A string of unconnected thoughts.

I am proud and thankful to report, first of all, that I have been faithfully spending time with God each day, as I promised I would during Lent. The practice of daily quiet time is new to me, and I am really looking forward to seeing where God leads me as I get more used to taking time out of my day for Him. I've said before that I'm not a morning person, which means that morning devotionals probably won't happen any time soon; however, it seems to work well for me to end my day with some slow, quiet reflection and prayer. I have been following a daily devotional guide online, and I have been reading the daily devotionals that our new minister is sending via email, but when I don't have access to a computer, or when I feel that turning on the computer will be a distraction, I have been journaling and reading scripture. My Sunday school class has been studying the book of Revelation, and it is really interesting to read about the end of times and the return of Jesus during this period leading up to Jesus' death and resurrection. I can't explain it, but it feels almost intentional (on God's part, not ours) that we would enter into this study during Lent.
I love when I read something, scripture or otherwise, and notice that it relates to something else I recently read or heard. For example, a friend and I talked briefly this afternoon about the "backwards way of Jesus," and then the devotional I read tonight addressed the same thing, talking about how Jesus often faced hostility because of the message of love and hope and forgiveness that he preached. I know that those relationships among messages are not coincidences, and I am thankful that God is opening my heart and mind to noticing such things.
On another note, I am getting ready to spend the rest of my spring break on a pseudo-camping adventure with some coworkers. I have spent the majority of the day getting ready for the trip--baking green cookies for St. Patrick's Day, digging through my parents' garage in search of lawn games and a fire pit, fretting that the clothes I've packed won't be warm enough. Why is packing always so stressful? I really just want to pack a hammock and my copy of The Irresistible Revolution and be done with it, but I can never just let things be that easy (also, I don't have a hammock). I am looking forward to spending a few days out in nature, though, seeking the presence of God among the beautiful early-spring surroundings and fellowshipping with some great friends (even if it comes at the cost of missing some crucial March Madness games). I hope to come back from my encounter with nature feeling refreshed and renewed, ready to continue on my Lenten journey and ready to return to work with my heart in a good place.

Preparing for Lent.

I’m trying to spend some time thinking about and preparing for Lent, so that it doesn’t catch me off guard on Wednesday like it does every year. Thanks to the guidance of a good friend, I am entering this season with a different perspective than usual, and I’m really excited about that. Maybe it’s strange to say I’m entering the forty days leading up to the death of Jesus with excitement; so I’ll just clarify that I’m excited to see how the Lord will work in my life and in my heart during this period as I make an effort to make more time to be with Him.

I feel like many of my stories start off, “the other night at youth group…” and I have to laugh at myself a little for that. I have joked with friends that I feel like I’m going through the youth program for the second time because I learn so much when I’m there as a volunteer!

So… the other night at youth group, my abovementioned good friend really drove home the point that Lent should not just be about giving something up. It’s not a time for us to test our willpower. That really struck me; I realized that, even when I don’t mean to, I usually end up turning Lent into a test of willpower. In college, my friends and I used to like to outdo each other by seeing who could give up the most extreme things. I remember sitting in the dining hall with my best friend one year, agreeing to give up sweets and then making guidelines about what we would consider “sweets.” (For example, a muffin was a sweet unless it was eaten for breakfast. And oh my goodness, the time we spent debating sweet tea!)

My point here is that I really want this Lenten season to be one of reflection and of nearness to God. I am not giving anything up; I am not testing my willpower or trying to out-Lent anyone. I don’t have a fully fleshed-out plan. I just know that I want to take time out of my busy day, every day, to be with God. I really commend and admire my friends who are committing to morning devotionals. Considering that I can barely make it to work on time most mornings, I feel like I would be setting myself up to fail with that one. My goal during Lent is going to be to find time every day—time that I waste on useless or frivolous things—and give that time to God. Maybe that means less time Facebooking; maybe it means less TV. I’m just going to pray for guidance as I seek to spend meaningful time with God. I pray that He will give me the strength to resist the temptations that draw me away from His presence, and I pray that he will open my eyes to opportunities to be with Him.

“Create in us clean hearts O God; and sustain us with your Holy Spirit.” –Suffrages A, The Book of Common Prayer

Don't leave me alone at this time; for I'm afraid of what I will discover inside (M&S)

As the season of Lent approaches, I have found myself sort of slipping out of the mindset I want to be in when preparing for the death and resurrection of Christ. I’ve been on such a “God high” for the past few months, thanks to some incredible spiritual retreats and thanks to God working through certain people in my life. I know from experience that those highs don’t last long (not for me, anyway). I eventually find myself settling into a routine, spending less and less time seeking God’s presence. It hit me toward the end of this week that I am coming down off of my high, and that realization resulted in sort of a blah week. I can feel myself aching for the nearness of God. But my crying out for him has been halfhearted, at best. This is where that whole “not at peace” thing comes into play. I have a hard time setting aside time to be with God when I know there are other things that need to be done—more accurately, other things I want to do, and other things to distract me.

But God created me; he created all of my attention-deficit, fast-talking, multitasking ways, and he loves me. He knows that I have a hard time being solitary or focusing for a long period of time, and he is helping me find a way to just be still. To just be, in his presence, in conversation with Him; step by step I can see myself moving toward that kind of relationship. As I reflect on the week, I can tell that this is starting to happen.

Last Sunday, I planned to spend an hour in prayer for a friend. I sat down to pray, and when no more words would come to me I began to get restless. Honestly, it was not an ideal environment for an hour of solitude; I typically spend Sunday afternoons at my parents’ house, where there are three other people and two puppies constantly causing some sort of commotion. (On a side note, I had to laugh at the absolutely baffled expression on my dad’s face when he walked into the room and saw me praying.) So I did what any normal, distracted person would do; I baked cookies. I just felt like if I wasn’t going to sit still then I might as well be productive. There was something so calming about going through the steps in a process I have done a hundred times. I measured, I stirred, I rolled the dough. And with every step, I prayed for my friend. I can’t really explain it, but there was a rhythm, a balance between what I was doing and the prayers I was repeating. Being in motion made it easier to keep up a conversation with God.

As the cookies baked and cooled, I washed all the dishes (my family had dirtied the majority of the dishes in the cabinets making pancakes earlier) while enjoying the breeze from the open window above the sink. Again, I can’t explain it, but there was something about going through the familiar motions, with the sound of the faucet drowning out everything else, that made it easier to focus on my thoughts and prayers. 

So maybe the first step in learning how to be alone with God, for me anyway, is learning to use those solitary routine-ish times as an opportunity for reflection. 

There were other times during the week when I felt God calling me to spend time with him. As I said, it was not a great week, for no particular reason, and I was getting frustrated with myself for not being the joyful, cheery person I usually am. I guess everyone is entitled to be a grouch every now and then, but I think part of my frustration stemmed from the fact that I knew I needed to take time for spiritual renewal and I just wasn’t doing it. Just being stubborn, I kept thinking, “I can snap out of this on my own.” By Thursday, I acknowledged that that wasn’t going to happen. I was to the point where I was getting angry with people for stupid reasons, for things that weren’t their fault, and I finally conceded that it was time to work on getting to a better place. So Thursday after work, I took a walk. No music, no headphones; just me and the sidewalk and God, and I told myself that I wasn’t going to head for home until I had worked out exactly why I was in a funk. Four miles later, I had come to terms with what I was doing wrong, and I felt like I was starting make things right. I returned home and finished my reflection time with a bit of prayer doodling around James 1:19-20, which says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” I just kind of stumbled upon this verse, and it was one of those moments where I read exactly what I needed to read, exactly when I needed to read it (God’s just amazing like that).

Saturday morning, I felt myself sort of slipping back into that angry, grouchy state of mind. I knew a little more solitude was in order, so I spent the early part of the day cleaning. Like, serious elbow-grease cleaning. I scrubbed my shower until it gleamed, even using a toothbrush to clean the grout, and that inspired me to just go ahead and give my whole bathroom a good deep clean. I even scrubbed the bathroom and kitchen floors, which I hardly ever do (thanks to the invention of the Swiffer). And as a result, I’m a little sore today. 

My mom loves cleaning because she says it is one of the few things we do that produce instant results. Cleaning and cooking—you see the fruits of your labor right away. I like it because it is a reminder that I am part of something bigger than me. How many mothers have taught their daughters how to bake cookies? How many people before me have labored over the grout in their showers or a sink full of dishes? How many times in my own life have I gone through those motions?

As much as I whine about being sore, those achy muscles are a blessing because they are a reminder of the time I spent in conversation with God this week; of the time I spent baking and washing and scrubbing, repeating routines that have been done for generations; and of the thankfulness I feel now, knowing that I have identified an aching for God’s presence in my life and have begun to find new ways to draw myself closer to Him.

Things I Discovered.

I am coming down off of the emotions that resulted from spending the weekend volunteering at a youth retreat at church. I am happily exhausted, and deliriously in love with an overwhelming God. Before I curl up under the covers, without setting an alarm (joy!) I wanted to take a minute and document some truly wonderful moments from the weekend while the emotion is still so raw.

First of all, I was asked, along with my friend Daniel, at the start of the weekend to provide prayer support for the youth who were giving talks throughout the retreat. This is not something I entered into lightly. I have been working lately to really be intentional in my prayers, and I have noticed a difference; however, praying aloud, in a group, is not something that is comfortable or easy for me. (Hmmm... could this be one of those challenges from God? He knows I'm just a girl who can't say no... He knows that the only way to get me to push myself to pray out loud is for someone to ask me to do it! And what do you know, it worked.) As a result, I spent some wonderful moments soaking up the presence of God with some really incredible youth. I don't know what to say about these moments. Trying to recall the details of time spent in the presence of God almost seems like I'm exposing a secret that not everyone is privy to. But understanding, no, truly knowing what it feels like to be completely surrounded by His presence, completely enfolded in His embrace... that, my friends, has changed me.

This morning, one particular girl (who, by the way, is incredible and who has become such a sweet friend) gave the sermon in the church service. I accompanied her to the sanctuary to pray over her before her talk, and as we searched for a secluded place to pray we simultaneously remembered the Room Behind the Chapel. To me, this is the official name of the room. The Room Behind the Chapel and I have a history. Although I don't know how old I was when this happened, I remember the day I discovered it. My mom is a private speech therapist, and for years she has used a Sunday school room for speech sessions. As a kid, I loved going to work with her in the summer. The room she used is in the basement of the church, and I would pass the time by exploring the dark hallways and seemingly forgotten rooms. One day when I was feeling particularly brave, I ventured all the way to the end of the hall and up a flight of stairs. I found myself at the back of the chapel (the chapel, by the way, is in my opinion the most beautiful place in our church). And there it was: a plain, unassuming door that led to the most intimate, most holy of places I had ever seen: the Room Behind the Chapel. The delight of the moment when I discovered that room is what has stuck with me through the years; however, I'm sure I spent some time in there that day, sitting in one of the two small pews, kneeling at the altar, flipping the pages in the large Bible. During my years in the youth group, I returned quite a few times to the Room Behind the Chapel, sometimes with my small group and sometimes alone. But in recent years, I haven't been back. Who takes the time on a Sunday morning to actually spend time in the holiest of places? (Sarcasm... sorry.)

But this morning, there we were... my friend H, preparing for her talk, and her faithful group of pray-ers. We spent a good amount of time in the Room, just talking with each other, feeling God's presence, and eventually praying for H. After she left to change into her "sermon outfit," the rest of us stayed in the Room for some additional quiet fellowship. As the theme of the weekend was prayer, we decided to close our time together by praying the Lord's Prayer together. That moment was so powerful, so... surprisingly, calm and energetic at the same time. Hand in hand, we stood and recited those words, the words first spoken by Jesus Christ himself, learned and revered and repeated by generations, with excitement and passion in our voices. When we finished, a fellow pray-er said he felt as if Jesus was hanging over his shoulder, as a good buddy would, the whole time we were in prayer. Another pray-er felt the same thing. What an incredible moment! I feel very much in times like these, as I look into the excited faces of my fellow believers, that we are a part of something so big, so revolutionary, so blessed. If only everyone could understand the excitement we followers of Christ feel when we share these experiences! This is a secret that everyone should be privy to!

After H's sermon, which was wonderful, I returned to the Room Behind the Chapel to pray again with H and a few girls. The small room was filled once again with the spirit of God, but our mood was lighthearted and a bit giddy. This was a moment of thanksgiving for H delivering an inspirational message, but it was also a bittersweet moment for the senior girls who were experiencing their last prayer chapel time on their last youth retreat. Our prayer was less formal and more of a conversation with Jesus, our friend. We got off topic, we whispered about who was supposed to pray next, we giggled when prayers of thanksgiving for seemingly silly things were offered up. Rachel, a youth whom I have mentioned before, said it best: "Guys, we're laughing during prayer. How fun is that?!" She said that mid-prayer, of course. And I couldn't agree more: praying, spending time talking to my God, my best friend, the one whom I love, is fun.

Thanks be to God for a wonderful weekend; for things shared and things discovered, and things that are to come.

Waiting to exhale...

I just have a little note before I set in on writing what I logged on to write. I gave a talk in chapel at work last week, and I talked about using our gifts to serve God and about being open to opportunities when we can discover new gifts. After my talk, one of my teacher friends commented to me that she felt one of my gifts was my ability to spread joy. That just really touched my heart! One of my goals for this school year has been to do all things with a joyful heart and to glorify God in my work. The fact that someone has noticed this change in me just means so much. To God be the glory! I am so thankful that my efforts to let His light shine through me are actually working and making a difference!

And back on track...
One of the greatest blessings in my life in the past few years has been the youth group at my church. I have been volunteering with the Sunday night youth program since I moved back to Memphis, and let me just say that I know some incredible kids. I love being able to spend time fellowshipping and studying God's word with these amazing young people, and I am constantly in awe of their faith and insights and devotion to God. I learn so much from them... I don't think they have any idea how much they impact the lives of all of us youth volunteers. We are all truly, truly blessed.
The youth group is getting ready for a retreat this weekend, which is the biggest youth event of the year. Our youth director and the senior high youth have put countless hours toward planning and preparation for the weekend, and I could not be more excited to see what God has in store for all who will be there. Last Sunday night, one of the senior girls gave a talk about preparing our hearts for the upcoming retreat, and in her talk she said something that I just love. She talked about "breathing in" and "breathing out" times. These are the times when we soak up God's word and presence (breathing in) and the times when we pour into others (breathing out). What a great metaphor! I feel like all I have been doing lately is breathing in. I've been leaning heavily on my friends this past year, looking to them to help me out of my spiritual rut. I have this mental image of a Dementor-- you know how they look when they suck out people's souls? That's me... just breathing in and in, exhausting people with my neediness. I think I've needed this time to focus on myself and my faith. I needed to get my priorities in order and work on centering my life around Christ. Now that I'm doing a little better in those areas, I'm looking forward to a period of breathing out. I'm ready to really focus on what I am doing in the lives of others; I pay so much attention to why God put certain people in my life, but I think it's time to start questioning why God has placed me in others' lives. What should I be doing to serve them, to pour into them? How can I glorify God by breathing out?
So thank you, Rachel, for being such an amazing young woman and for having the courage to stand in front of us and speak such inspirational words. It has been such a wonderful experience to see God work in her life and use her to reach others. Praise to God again for these incredible youth!

Another little note about breathing... just because this came up yesterday... my dear friend who teaches Pilates tells us all the time in class to breathe from our ribs, to feel our rib cages expanding while exercising. And of course, I took issue with this. I whined to her yesterday that I spent many years of my life training to be a singer. And singers breathe from their stomachs. Even when I'm not singing, even now as I slump on my couch, I breathe from my stomach. This is so that I can get a deeper breath, and so that my shoulders and chest don't rise when I breathe (that looks bad in a choir). She sings too, so she understands... but of course she laughed, because who else would complain about breathing being too hard?!

Oh praise the One who paid my debt...

So we were blessed today with a beautiful blanket of sparkling white snow... And finally, the snow actually fell during daylight hours so we could enjoy its awesomeness as it covered everything (and created hazardous road conditions). I decided to take advantage of my afternoon off (early dismissal... gotta love teaching!) and bake a delicious four-layer chocolate cake for mom's birthday, which is tomorrow. Then I fell asleep on the couch, as I was watching the snow fall. And then I realized I might be stuck at my parents' house. As the evening went on, I could feel the beginnings of a cold settling in the back of my throat, which, combined with an allergy attack brought on by our dogs, was making me pretty miserable. All I wanted to do was curl up on my own couch with my Snuggie and my DVR... so I decided to brave the roads. I hate driving in inclement conditions. Mostly because I can't afford to pay to get my car repaired if I run into anything, but also it just makes me really nervous. And now I'm being a total wimp, because I only live three miles from my parents.
After spending about ten minutes digging my car out of the snow and scraping the windows, I experienced an absolutely beautiful drive home. I turned the radio off and just soaked in the silence and the glimmering white expanse all around me. What a joy to get to experience such beauty! That drive was the most peaceful part of my day. I don't understand people who complain about winter weather. First of all, it's only February. It will be a while before spring arrives. You might as well just quit complaining and enjoy the snow while it's here!
Is there a more beautiful sight than pure white, untouched snow?
“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow.” Isaiah 1:18

Jesus paid it all,
all to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

And when before the throne
I stand in him complete,
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat!

I get by with a little help from my friends (and some people I don't know)

I have jokingly started labeling people as being on my “inspirational people” list. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that each of the people on my list does actually inspire me in some way. Some of them are people I know, some aren’t… some have inspired me in life-changing ways, others awe more than inspire. So here it is: my List of Inspirational People.

1. Shaun White. I wish I knew him. I think he’s super cool. That crazy hair, those skinny pants… that laid-back attitude… But seriously, I think he is quite inspirational. In my next life, I want to be a snowboarder. Sure, I’ve only been skiing once, and the thought of trying to move while my feet are strapped to a board is terrifying, but maybe in my next life I’ll be more coordinated. Anyway, I am beyond impressed by Shaun’s snowboarding skills. He is the best in his sport. The best. And not only can he do it all, he is the athlete who sets the bar for all the other snowboarders. I just love the way Shaun masters the sport and then has to actually invent a new move in order to challenge himself. And then all the other snowboarders just hope in vain that they can do Shaun’s signature move better than Shaun himself. Wouldn’t it be great to be such an innovator?! I want to be the person in my field who sets the bar for everyone else. I want to be as skilled and as much of a leader in teaching as Shaun is in snowboarding. Better start growing out my hair…

2. Amy Stroup. She’s a Christian recording artist… and let me just admit here that I don’t listen to much Christian music. Amy should be on my list because of her faith and her songwriting… but mostly it’s because she’s just a really cool person. She spent the weekend with us on a church retreat three years ago, and she’s… normal. Easy to hang out with. She is inspirational to me because she plays the guitar, and my dream is to learn to play the guitar. No, it’s not just my dream. It’s my goal. I will do it.

3. Josh Pastner. Coach of the Memphis Tigers. No, I do not know him, but I wish I did. I am always impressed when young people do amazing things, and Josh is just so incredibly young for a NCAA coach. I so admire his coaching style. He doesn’t use profanity; he doesn’t lose his temper. He got his first technical foul—in his whole coaching career—just last month. (Granted, his coaching career is quite short.) I fear that talking too much about JP will show my lack of basketball knowledge, but basically I admire the way he coaches. He cares about his players. He encourages them to work as a team. He doesn’t tolerate bad attitudes. He is not one of those coaches who believes in winning at any cost. To him, there are more important things than winning. And I think that because of that attitude, he will build a winning team. Josh is an inspiration to me because of his admirable leadership style, his clean lifestyle, and his honest, non-sleazy coaching ways.

4. My friend Rachael. I wish that she had been my inspiration when I was in college. I think she would have kept me out of a lot of trouble. Rachael is a senior in college. As an aside, I think I was super awkward in college. My spiritual life took a backseat to my college life, and as a result it wasn’t until my senior year that I really became serious about growing my faith. Rachael seems like she’s got her act together, at least more so than I did. She is confident, she’s strong in her faith, and she’s much more grown up than I was when I was 22. Rachel is inspirational to me because she’s the person I wish I had been when I was in college.

5. My friend Jason. I promised I wouldn’t use his name, but that would look weird if I had one anonymous person on here. Sorry, Jason. I jokingly added Jason to my list a few weeks ago, when he had enough faith in me to, um, allow me to drive a fifteen-passenger church van full of teenagers downtown. He helped me overcome my fear of driving the van (and my lack of knowledge about the parking brake). But all joking aside, Jason really has earned his spot on this illustrious list. I have talked before about how I can see God putting people in my life for various reasons. Jason became a part of my life when he came to our church almost a year ago. This is a post for another day, but I was not in a good place last year. I’m sure I looked like I had my act together, but spiritually I was suffering. I was in a rut; I wasn’t praying, I wasn’t learning, and I wasn’t desiring God’s presence in my life. I think this blog is proof that I have changed from that person I was last year, and Jason’s presence has played a role in my transformation. Technically, Jason is at our church to be with the youth (not even technically… that’s his job)… but he helps me too. When he talks about God, I listen. I have learned so much from him, and I know that God has used Jason to bring me back to Him, and to make me want to learn more. Jason is incredibly patient, which is a quality I don’t possess and one that I always admire in others. He listens when spoken to, he thinks about his responses, and he always says exactly the right thing. My goal in life is to be peaceful; Jason is much, much better at it than I am. Jason’s faith, his calm demeanor, his quiet but effective leadership, and his way with words are inspiring to me. And now, on the off chance that he reads this, I’m sorry, Jason, if I have embarrassed you. Oh—his love for the Memphis Tigers is an inspiration as well.

6. Shane Claiborne. I am slowly plowing through his book The Irresistible Revolution and it is an incredible read. He has changed the way I think about many things. I keep taking long breaks between chapters so I can process what I've just read. Shane's words weigh heavily on my heart. To go into detail would take so much time… just read the book. You'll see what I mean. All the proceeds from the book go to charity (see? He’s awesome) so you can feel extra-good about buying it. Shane has a heart for the poor. Shane has been to Calcutta, has met Mother Teresa, and has lived in a leper colony. He has lived on the streets with the homeless. He has visited and worshiped with families in Iraq. He loves Jesus, and that is what drives everything he does. Shane is inspirational because he truly desires to live like Christ.

I should note that this list is really just a small picture of the people in my life (and, um, celebrities and others) who inspire me. I have so many friends who have played a role in my faith journey and in helping me become who I am today. These six are the first to be on my list; I’m sure many more will follow. Praise God for you all; I know that it is part of His plan for us to be in each other’s lives, and I am so blessed because of it.