Things I Discovered.

I am coming down off of the emotions that resulted from spending the weekend volunteering at a youth retreat at church. I am happily exhausted, and deliriously in love with an overwhelming God. Before I curl up under the covers, without setting an alarm (joy!) I wanted to take a minute and document some truly wonderful moments from the weekend while the emotion is still so raw.

First of all, I was asked, along with my friend Daniel, at the start of the weekend to provide prayer support for the youth who were giving talks throughout the retreat. This is not something I entered into lightly. I have been working lately to really be intentional in my prayers, and I have noticed a difference; however, praying aloud, in a group, is not something that is comfortable or easy for me. (Hmmm... could this be one of those challenges from God? He knows I'm just a girl who can't say no... He knows that the only way to get me to push myself to pray out loud is for someone to ask me to do it! And what do you know, it worked.) As a result, I spent some wonderful moments soaking up the presence of God with some really incredible youth. I don't know what to say about these moments. Trying to recall the details of time spent in the presence of God almost seems like I'm exposing a secret that not everyone is privy to. But understanding, no, truly knowing what it feels like to be completely surrounded by His presence, completely enfolded in His embrace... that, my friends, has changed me.

This morning, one particular girl (who, by the way, is incredible and who has become such a sweet friend) gave the sermon in the church service. I accompanied her to the sanctuary to pray over her before her talk, and as we searched for a secluded place to pray we simultaneously remembered the Room Behind the Chapel. To me, this is the official name of the room. The Room Behind the Chapel and I have a history. Although I don't know how old I was when this happened, I remember the day I discovered it. My mom is a private speech therapist, and for years she has used a Sunday school room for speech sessions. As a kid, I loved going to work with her in the summer. The room she used is in the basement of the church, and I would pass the time by exploring the dark hallways and seemingly forgotten rooms. One day when I was feeling particularly brave, I ventured all the way to the end of the hall and up a flight of stairs. I found myself at the back of the chapel (the chapel, by the way, is in my opinion the most beautiful place in our church). And there it was: a plain, unassuming door that led to the most intimate, most holy of places I had ever seen: the Room Behind the Chapel. The delight of the moment when I discovered that room is what has stuck with me through the years; however, I'm sure I spent some time in there that day, sitting in one of the two small pews, kneeling at the altar, flipping the pages in the large Bible. During my years in the youth group, I returned quite a few times to the Room Behind the Chapel, sometimes with my small group and sometimes alone. But in recent years, I haven't been back. Who takes the time on a Sunday morning to actually spend time in the holiest of places? (Sarcasm... sorry.)

But this morning, there we were... my friend H, preparing for her talk, and her faithful group of pray-ers. We spent a good amount of time in the Room, just talking with each other, feeling God's presence, and eventually praying for H. After she left to change into her "sermon outfit," the rest of us stayed in the Room for some additional quiet fellowship. As the theme of the weekend was prayer, we decided to close our time together by praying the Lord's Prayer together. That moment was so powerful, so... surprisingly, calm and energetic at the same time. Hand in hand, we stood and recited those words, the words first spoken by Jesus Christ himself, learned and revered and repeated by generations, with excitement and passion in our voices. When we finished, a fellow pray-er said he felt as if Jesus was hanging over his shoulder, as a good buddy would, the whole time we were in prayer. Another pray-er felt the same thing. What an incredible moment! I feel very much in times like these, as I look into the excited faces of my fellow believers, that we are a part of something so big, so revolutionary, so blessed. If only everyone could understand the excitement we followers of Christ feel when we share these experiences! This is a secret that everyone should be privy to!

After H's sermon, which was wonderful, I returned to the Room Behind the Chapel to pray again with H and a few girls. The small room was filled once again with the spirit of God, but our mood was lighthearted and a bit giddy. This was a moment of thanksgiving for H delivering an inspirational message, but it was also a bittersweet moment for the senior girls who were experiencing their last prayer chapel time on their last youth retreat. Our prayer was less formal and more of a conversation with Jesus, our friend. We got off topic, we whispered about who was supposed to pray next, we giggled when prayers of thanksgiving for seemingly silly things were offered up. Rachel, a youth whom I have mentioned before, said it best: "Guys, we're laughing during prayer. How fun is that?!" She said that mid-prayer, of course. And I couldn't agree more: praying, spending time talking to my God, my best friend, the one whom I love, is fun.

Thanks be to God for a wonderful weekend; for things shared and things discovered, and things that are to come.

Waiting to exhale...

I just have a little note before I set in on writing what I logged on to write. I gave a talk in chapel at work last week, and I talked about using our gifts to serve God and about being open to opportunities when we can discover new gifts. After my talk, one of my teacher friends commented to me that she felt one of my gifts was my ability to spread joy. That just really touched my heart! One of my goals for this school year has been to do all things with a joyful heart and to glorify God in my work. The fact that someone has noticed this change in me just means so much. To God be the glory! I am so thankful that my efforts to let His light shine through me are actually working and making a difference!

And back on track...
One of the greatest blessings in my life in the past few years has been the youth group at my church. I have been volunteering with the Sunday night youth program since I moved back to Memphis, and let me just say that I know some incredible kids. I love being able to spend time fellowshipping and studying God's word with these amazing young people, and I am constantly in awe of their faith and insights and devotion to God. I learn so much from them... I don't think they have any idea how much they impact the lives of all of us youth volunteers. We are all truly, truly blessed.
The youth group is getting ready for a retreat this weekend, which is the biggest youth event of the year. Our youth director and the senior high youth have put countless hours toward planning and preparation for the weekend, and I could not be more excited to see what God has in store for all who will be there. Last Sunday night, one of the senior girls gave a talk about preparing our hearts for the upcoming retreat, and in her talk she said something that I just love. She talked about "breathing in" and "breathing out" times. These are the times when we soak up God's word and presence (breathing in) and the times when we pour into others (breathing out). What a great metaphor! I feel like all I have been doing lately is breathing in. I've been leaning heavily on my friends this past year, looking to them to help me out of my spiritual rut. I have this mental image of a Dementor-- you know how they look when they suck out people's souls? That's me... just breathing in and in, exhausting people with my neediness. I think I've needed this time to focus on myself and my faith. I needed to get my priorities in order and work on centering my life around Christ. Now that I'm doing a little better in those areas, I'm looking forward to a period of breathing out. I'm ready to really focus on what I am doing in the lives of others; I pay so much attention to why God put certain people in my life, but I think it's time to start questioning why God has placed me in others' lives. What should I be doing to serve them, to pour into them? How can I glorify God by breathing out?
So thank you, Rachel, for being such an amazing young woman and for having the courage to stand in front of us and speak such inspirational words. It has been such a wonderful experience to see God work in her life and use her to reach others. Praise to God again for these incredible youth!

Another little note about breathing... just because this came up yesterday... my dear friend who teaches Pilates tells us all the time in class to breathe from our ribs, to feel our rib cages expanding while exercising. And of course, I took issue with this. I whined to her yesterday that I spent many years of my life training to be a singer. And singers breathe from their stomachs. Even when I'm not singing, even now as I slump on my couch, I breathe from my stomach. This is so that I can get a deeper breath, and so that my shoulders and chest don't rise when I breathe (that looks bad in a choir). She sings too, so she understands... but of course she laughed, because who else would complain about breathing being too hard?!

Oh praise the One who paid my debt...

So we were blessed today with a beautiful blanket of sparkling white snow... And finally, the snow actually fell during daylight hours so we could enjoy its awesomeness as it covered everything (and created hazardous road conditions). I decided to take advantage of my afternoon off (early dismissal... gotta love teaching!) and bake a delicious four-layer chocolate cake for mom's birthday, which is tomorrow. Then I fell asleep on the couch, as I was watching the snow fall. And then I realized I might be stuck at my parents' house. As the evening went on, I could feel the beginnings of a cold settling in the back of my throat, which, combined with an allergy attack brought on by our dogs, was making me pretty miserable. All I wanted to do was curl up on my own couch with my Snuggie and my DVR... so I decided to brave the roads. I hate driving in inclement conditions. Mostly because I can't afford to pay to get my car repaired if I run into anything, but also it just makes me really nervous. And now I'm being a total wimp, because I only live three miles from my parents.
After spending about ten minutes digging my car out of the snow and scraping the windows, I experienced an absolutely beautiful drive home. I turned the radio off and just soaked in the silence and the glimmering white expanse all around me. What a joy to get to experience such beauty! That drive was the most peaceful part of my day. I don't understand people who complain about winter weather. First of all, it's only February. It will be a while before spring arrives. You might as well just quit complaining and enjoy the snow while it's here!
Is there a more beautiful sight than pure white, untouched snow?
“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow.” Isaiah 1:18

Jesus paid it all,
all to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

And when before the throne
I stand in him complete,
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat!

I get by with a little help from my friends (and some people I don't know)

I have jokingly started labeling people as being on my “inspirational people” list. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that each of the people on my list does actually inspire me in some way. Some of them are people I know, some aren’t… some have inspired me in life-changing ways, others awe more than inspire. So here it is: my List of Inspirational People.

1. Shaun White. I wish I knew him. I think he’s super cool. That crazy hair, those skinny pants… that laid-back attitude… But seriously, I think he is quite inspirational. In my next life, I want to be a snowboarder. Sure, I’ve only been skiing once, and the thought of trying to move while my feet are strapped to a board is terrifying, but maybe in my next life I’ll be more coordinated. Anyway, I am beyond impressed by Shaun’s snowboarding skills. He is the best in his sport. The best. And not only can he do it all, he is the athlete who sets the bar for all the other snowboarders. I just love the way Shaun masters the sport and then has to actually invent a new move in order to challenge himself. And then all the other snowboarders just hope in vain that they can do Shaun’s signature move better than Shaun himself. Wouldn’t it be great to be such an innovator?! I want to be the person in my field who sets the bar for everyone else. I want to be as skilled and as much of a leader in teaching as Shaun is in snowboarding. Better start growing out my hair…

2. Amy Stroup. She’s a Christian recording artist… and let me just admit here that I don’t listen to much Christian music. Amy should be on my list because of her faith and her songwriting… but mostly it’s because she’s just a really cool person. She spent the weekend with us on a church retreat three years ago, and she’s… normal. Easy to hang out with. She is inspirational to me because she plays the guitar, and my dream is to learn to play the guitar. No, it’s not just my dream. It’s my goal. I will do it.

3. Josh Pastner. Coach of the Memphis Tigers. No, I do not know him, but I wish I did. I am always impressed when young people do amazing things, and Josh is just so incredibly young for a NCAA coach. I so admire his coaching style. He doesn’t use profanity; he doesn’t lose his temper. He got his first technical foul—in his whole coaching career—just last month. (Granted, his coaching career is quite short.) I fear that talking too much about JP will show my lack of basketball knowledge, but basically I admire the way he coaches. He cares about his players. He encourages them to work as a team. He doesn’t tolerate bad attitudes. He is not one of those coaches who believes in winning at any cost. To him, there are more important things than winning. And I think that because of that attitude, he will build a winning team. Josh is an inspiration to me because of his admirable leadership style, his clean lifestyle, and his honest, non-sleazy coaching ways.

4. My friend Rachael. I wish that she had been my inspiration when I was in college. I think she would have kept me out of a lot of trouble. Rachael is a senior in college. As an aside, I think I was super awkward in college. My spiritual life took a backseat to my college life, and as a result it wasn’t until my senior year that I really became serious about growing my faith. Rachael seems like she’s got her act together, at least more so than I did. She is confident, she’s strong in her faith, and she’s much more grown up than I was when I was 22. Rachel is inspirational to me because she’s the person I wish I had been when I was in college.

5. My friend Jason. I promised I wouldn’t use his name, but that would look weird if I had one anonymous person on here. Sorry, Jason. I jokingly added Jason to my list a few weeks ago, when he had enough faith in me to, um, allow me to drive a fifteen-passenger church van full of teenagers downtown. He helped me overcome my fear of driving the van (and my lack of knowledge about the parking brake). But all joking aside, Jason really has earned his spot on this illustrious list. I have talked before about how I can see God putting people in my life for various reasons. Jason became a part of my life when he came to our church almost a year ago. This is a post for another day, but I was not in a good place last year. I’m sure I looked like I had my act together, but spiritually I was suffering. I was in a rut; I wasn’t praying, I wasn’t learning, and I wasn’t desiring God’s presence in my life. I think this blog is proof that I have changed from that person I was last year, and Jason’s presence has played a role in my transformation. Technically, Jason is at our church to be with the youth (not even technically… that’s his job)… but he helps me too. When he talks about God, I listen. I have learned so much from him, and I know that God has used Jason to bring me back to Him, and to make me want to learn more. Jason is incredibly patient, which is a quality I don’t possess and one that I always admire in others. He listens when spoken to, he thinks about his responses, and he always says exactly the right thing. My goal in life is to be peaceful; Jason is much, much better at it than I am. Jason’s faith, his calm demeanor, his quiet but effective leadership, and his way with words are inspiring to me. And now, on the off chance that he reads this, I’m sorry, Jason, if I have embarrassed you. Oh—his love for the Memphis Tigers is an inspiration as well.

6. Shane Claiborne. I am slowly plowing through his book The Irresistible Revolution and it is an incredible read. He has changed the way I think about many things. I keep taking long breaks between chapters so I can process what I've just read. Shane's words weigh heavily on my heart. To go into detail would take so much time… just read the book. You'll see what I mean. All the proceeds from the book go to charity (see? He’s awesome) so you can feel extra-good about buying it. Shane has a heart for the poor. Shane has been to Calcutta, has met Mother Teresa, and has lived in a leper colony. He has lived on the streets with the homeless. He has visited and worshiped with families in Iraq. He loves Jesus, and that is what drives everything he does. Shane is inspirational because he truly desires to live like Christ.

I should note that this list is really just a small picture of the people in my life (and, um, celebrities and others) who inspire me. I have so many friends who have played a role in my faith journey and in helping me become who I am today. These six are the first to be on my list; I’m sure many more will follow. Praise God for you all; I know that it is part of His plan for us to be in each other’s lives, and I am so blessed because of it.

Won't you be my neighbor?

This is the post I keep sitting down to write... I just haven't managed to actually write it yet. Mostly because I just have a lot of questions, and I don't like to not know the answers. I know we are called to serve our neighbors. What higher call could we have than to glorify Him through our service to others?  We discussed the story of the Good Samaritan with the youth at church a few weeks ago, and one thing that I noticed as I read the passage was that the rich man asks Jesus who his neighbor is. This is actually the question that leads Jesus to tell the story. The verse in Luke says, "But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, 'And who is my neighbor?'" (That was Luke 10:29, for the record.) He wanted to justify himself... as in, he wanted to make sure he didn't have to go out of his way to love his neighbor? He wanted to make sure that the things he was already doing would suffice?

Here we are, generations later, and none the wiser. We're still asking that same question: who are our neighbors? We know the Bible says we're supposed to love and serve them... but oh, we so don't want to drive all the way to "that" part of town. We don't want to "enable" them. Well, we're clearly not doing what we're supposed to do. And we're not asking who our neighbors are for the right reasons. We don't really want to identify them. We just want to make sure that the people we're comfortable serving do, in fact, qualify as neighbors.

I don't think that there's a wrong way to serve the Lord, as long as you are doing it for His glory. I know people who do amazing things in the name of our Savior. I have a friend who, for the past two years, has organized an entire Christmas--food, presents, necessities--for a single mother with nine kids. And I know she doesn't do this for her own glory. In fact, she will be embarrassed to read this. I know others who truly have a heart for service in third-world countries, and still others who have a gift for serving children. And there are others who have artistic gifts that they give back to God. I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" group of folks to love and serve. They are all our neighbors.

There are a few things about service that I think we are missing. First, I think we have a tendency to find something we are comfortable doing and then just sticking with that one thing. I say "we" for all of this because I know I am included in this group. Think about it... you broke out of your box one time, tried some new mission trip or service opportunity; you got something out of it and discovered that spending a week living in a non-air-conditioned cabin with 15 other people wasn't so bad, so you just keep doing it again and again. That was pretty much the extent of my missions experiences in high school. But... doesn't this get stale after a while? Is God calling us to keep breaking out of that box and finding new neighbors to serve? This is hard for me, because I know those original neighbors, the ones from that first trip, still need our help. However, are we missing additional opportunities to serve because we're becoming too set in our ways? There is a tendency for these missions to turn into traditions or rituals, and that's a slippery slope. At some point, we become slaves to the ritual itself, and we forget that our task first and foremost is to serve God. That mission trip we love to go on becomes all about the memories--"I remember that one year when we sneaked out of our beds in the middle of the night and duct taped so-and-so to his bed" (I did not actually do this)--and not enough about God. Even if the memories are actually God-related, like singing beloved songs or experiencing a beautiful outdoor worship service on a night thick with fog (I did do this) can we experience spiritual growth if we just keep trying to relive the same moments over and over? How will our relationship with God suffer if we lose that desire to move forward and grow in our faith? I just think that taking a leap of faith--stepping out of our comfort zones and trusting God--is more likely to result in a closer relationship with God than just sticking to what we know and what makes us feel safe. There's nothing wrong with remembering that worship service and how I felt during it; however, trying to recreate it would surely be a letdown, and much less fulfilling than experiencing something new. It's kind of like a liturgy at times: after you say it over and over and over, you sort of stop paying attention to the words. Once it's memorized, your mind is free to think about other things (like who you can duct tape to his or her bed).

Second, we love to go on mission trips because we desire to "get something out of it." While I think it's amazing the way that serving others brings us closer to God, we must remember that we are there to do His work--to be His hands and feet. That is the most important thing. Of course, if you have that mindset and you are truly serving others so that you can serve the Lord, you will get something out of it. But if you go around looking for "God moments" and trying to figure out how being on the trip will benefit you, then you're just not there for the right reasons. Matthew 20:28 says, "Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." I think that is pretty clear, even out of context: Jesus Christ, the Messiah, the Prince of Peace, the Son of God himself, came to earth to serve others.

I struggle with loving and serving my neighbors. I wish I were better at it. I want to be more willing to get out of my box and really, truly, with my whole heart, serve God. The reason I started this blog was to keep myself accountable when it comes to journaling and even just sitting and processing my thoughts. I write about the things that I have trouble with; I'm not trying to point fingers at others. I take comfort in knowing that there are others on the journey with me who may have the same struggles. They might even be the two people who read my blog, which would be so handy! But I want it to be known that I don't think I'm right all the time or that I even have good answers. I'm just a humble servant trying to live my life with a joyful heart and with the intention of glorifying God in all that I do.

Giving... again...

Well, I've been reading that Bible again. And I've been thinking a lot lately about giving and service (and ice cream). I read a verse in Luke that I really like:

"Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." -Luke 6:38

This verse makes me think of the way I bake. I pack the brown sugar so tightly into the measuring cup that I can barely dump it into the mixing bowl. I pour vanilla extract very liberally, letting it run over the sides of the teaspoon until I basically double the amount required in the recipe. When making my favorite strawberry rhubarb crumble, I get to a point where I just stop measuring the sugar altogether and sprinkle big handfuls of it over the dish (really, rhubarb is better with a lot of sugar). Yes, I know baking is supposed to be an exact science. The ingredients won't work together properly if you don't use the correct amounts. But, for the record, I have never had complaints about my baking. Everything tastes better with extra vanilla!

It also makes me think about the way I eat ice cream. I know a serving of ice cream is half a cup. So I get the half-cup out and start scooping spoonfuls of ice cream into it. Then I start cramming it in. Then I end up creating a little mound on the top of the measuring cup. And I probably eat two or three extra spoonfuls in the process of transferring it into a bowl. In the end, my half-cup of ice cream turns into about a cup and a half. (This is why I don't usually keep ice cream in my freezer.)

So... which bowl of ice cream would you rather have-- the one I "measured" using my half-cup, overflowing with extra peanut butter cups and thick pieces of fudge ribbon? (Yes, I dig around through the container to get all the good stuff.) Or one like what I would have served you when I worked at an ice cream store-- carefully weighed and measured, with nothing in there that you didn't pay for?

I call dibs on the first one. 

Isn't that what giving should be like? Giving time, giving money, giving whatever-- when you give to others, when you serve others, you're serving the Lord. Doesn't that make you want to put in the extra vanilla, or dig around through the ice cream carton to find all the best parts for Him? And when you do that-- when you give more, generously, He will do the same for you!

"For with the measure you use, it will be given back to you..."

What are friends for?

I have started a couple of posts in the last few days, but I can't seem to focus and figure out where I am headed with them. I'm waiting for the Lord to provide some answers to some half-finished thoughts, I suppose.
I have a confession: I don't spend much time reading my Bible. I wish I had the desire to just sit and turn the pages and let the words pour over me... But I don't. I like to multi-task; I can read a magazine, watch Food Network, and browse Facebook all at the same time. I can cook dinner, put my laundry away, and work on my un-solvable thousand-piece puzzle at the same time. I can sit in a faculty meeting, doodle in my notebook, and text my mom at the same time (not that I ever text during meetings... that was hypothetical, of course...) But reading the Bible... well, that doesn't really lend itself to my frazzled multitasking ways.
My point here was not to talk about what a bad Bible-reader I am; I just wanted to say that I surprised myself the other night by actually sitting down with my study NIV and reading. Something drew me to the passage in Matthew that details Jesus' temptation. I read the account in all four gospels... and I'm still not quite sure what I'm supposed to take away from it, other than Jesus is a pretty cool guy with a lot more willpower than me. Both Jesus and the devil quote Old Testament passages here (the devil kind of takes his out of context, but that's to be expected I guess). I'm still wrestling with this one. But one thing that sticks out is Jesus' response when the devil tempts him with all the kingdoms in the world. Jesus answers simply, "It is written, 'Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.'"
How easy it is to forget who we are serving! And sometimes, it's just as easy to forget who we should be praising. I say all the time that I am incredibly blessed by the people in my life. I give thanks daily for my supportive family, my inspirational friends (some of whom seem like family), and my coworkers who have become close friends over the years we've worked together. Truly, what a blessing to go to work and get to spend the day with friends! Every day! How many people can say that?! My friends do amazing things for me. They listen to me when I whine; they rejoice with me when I am happy. They offer perspective when I am too stubborn to deal with situations in an unselfish way. They help me through spiritual struggles. I would not be where I am today in my faith if it weren't for my friends. And in return, I rejoice in serving them, listening to them, being there for them.
But... I've been noticing lately that I have a tendency to misdirect my praise when a friend does something to serve me. I have a bad habit of giving the glory to these people instead of giving it to God. Make no mistake, I think I have some pretty amazing people in my life. I love discovering all of the reasons that God has sent someone to me, as well as discovering how I am to serve others. But when it comes down to it, we are called to serve each other in His name. I don't think I'm alone in forgetting this. I love finding ways to help and love and serve my friends and family; but I have to remember that ultimately it is God's will that I serve others, and it is to Him that I should give the glory when someone serves me. When a friend helps me through a rough patch or does something for me, it is easy to praise her for what she did. But really, I should be praising God for sending her to me so that we can serve each other. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason; however, I do believe that God has a plan and many of the people in my life are there intentionally to help Him fulfill his plans for me. Likewise, it is such a joy to think that I am serving others the way God intended for me to do.
Much rambling for a Monday... But my point is that sometimes the still, small voice of God is coming to us through others, and no matter how appreciative we are of those people, He is the one who deserves the praise!