I am a loud person. I am that person whose friends shush her in public places (which, by the way, is hurtful. If you love me, you love my loudness). I love to have the last word in an argument. Oh, and I love to argue. I sing whenever I can. In the shower, while drying my hair, in the car, in my office, in the car, at church, on the treadmill, and in the car. I'm not familiar with the term "yes or no answer." If you ask me a question, I will answer you using as many words as possible.
Considering how loud I am, it's probably a good thing I became a teacher. I get to hear myself talk a lot. I have the ability to talk over a room full of chatty little people. In fact, I can yell over a whole playground full of chatty, shouty little people.
I love being loud. God made me this way, and I have been known to use that loud talking and singing to praise Him, and I am happy with who I am. But along with being loud comes being extroverted. I want to be around others, to the point that I quite often try to do too much. I am so blessed to have an amazing group of friends, the kind that no matter what we do together, I know we will have fun.
I have been thinking lately about my relationship with God, and I was thinking that I am in a good place right now. But then I heard a friend give a talk about silence, and listening for the still, small voice of God, and I realized that I don't do that. Sure, I praise God for the big things, and the things that affect my life. I boldly petition for what I want from Him, while recognizing that His plan for my life is the one that should come to fruition. But when do I ever just sit, and think, and most importantly listen? So when I got home that night, I tried it. I turned off the TV, put my phone away, and just sat. It was nice. The "silence session" morphed quickly into me burying my nose in a book until late into the night, but even that was a nice change for me. I live alone, and I have gotten to the point where I feel comfortable with the TV droning on in the background as I read. This weekend I went on a mission trip with some kids from my church, and before bed I took about 20 minutes and just sat. I stared at the ceiling, I thought about things, I might have prayed a little. I can't say that I had any big epiphanies, but honestly I loved just taking time to sit in silence. I felt calm afterward, and at peace.
So, probably during that silent time, I came to the conclusion that I desire more peace in my life. I want to take the time to notice my surroundings, to notice God's presence and to think before speaking and acting. I believe that when you ask God for something, like patience (or peace), he responds by putting you in situations where your patience is tested. When I came to that realization, I decided I was too impatient to pray for patience (ha). So before I tackle that one again, I am praying for peace. A sense of calm. A level head. And I welcome those situations where He will come in and test my sense of peace. I have learned this week to take a few seconds and think before answering a student's question. That makes me feel calmer, especially when the question is wildly off-the-wall. I have learned to pray over small issues throughout my day. That centers me and shifts my focus from myself to God.
I would say that my quest for peace is off to a good, calm start. Here's praying that that continues!
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