Take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

It's my last post of 2011! I was torn between showing pictures of the sweet last-name wall art that I made for my mom for Christmas and posting a "Top Ten of 2011," but then my good friend Jason suggested I post my Top 11 of '11... genius idea, so here goes!
In no particular order, here are my top eleven events/experiences of 2011:

1. Crave retreat
This one is fresh on my mind because it is the most recent of all these events. The first weekend of November, I attended a youth retreat at Victory Ranch. Crave was part two in a three-week spiritual/faith journey extravaganza (not really sure what else to call it...) The week before, I attended the Emmaus walk with my friend Butler, and right after Crave I went to the National Youth Workers Convention with Butler and Jason. I guess I could just count the whole three-week experience as part of my Top 11, really. Emmaus was refreshing and relaxing, and it paved the way for my current involvement in the Chrysalis community. NYWC was busy and fun and eye-opening. I got to catch up with my good friend Alison, I heard Tony Campolo speak, we had a great late-night visit with some incredible folks at SIFAT, and we shared some memorable road trip moments (like driving south for an hour in Mississippi before realizing we were headed the completely wrong direction...)
But of these three weekends, Crave was the best. I love spending time with the youth (see below for more about that), and this particular weekend we just connected as a community in an amazing way. We were blessed with an incredible speaker and beautiful weather and open hearts... hands down, Crave was the best youth retreat I have ever been a part of.

2. Grizzlies v. Thunder triple-overtime game
I admit, I sort of became more of a Grizz fan as the playoffs went on... and I kind of lucked into tickets to this game. A friend posted on Facebook that she was selling her tickets due to a scheduling conflict, and without giving it much thought I quickly agreed to purchase the two tickets from her. "There's fifty bucks down the drain," I probably thought at the time. My dad and his friend Steve have season tickets, so the four of us piled into the car (Steve wore his lucky tie... so embarrassing) and took our seats in the nosebleeds. It was a school night, and I had agreed to give the chapel talk the next morning, so I wasn't too thrilled about the 9:00 start time. As midnight loomed closer, I began to worry about getting enough sleep, packing my lunch, giving my talk a final read-through (Jason, if you're reading this, yes I did actually have my talk written ahead of time. I specifically remember that.) I was enjoying the game, but the Grizz were losing, and I was at the mercy of the other three people in the car when it came to leaving the game. But then the score was tied. And regulation play was over. And the crowd was roaring. I couldn't even hear my own voice screaming. And then sometime after midnight, somewhere in the first overtime, I stopped caring about sleep and speeches. I stopped worrying and just soaked in the atmosphere, the excitement. The Forum was positively electric that night. It was a sea of white shirts, yellow towel fuzz, Memphians united over something great. We lost the game that night, but I really don't think anyone in the Forum cared. I don't remember that game as a loss. It was simply the best basketball game I have ever experienced. Believe :)

3. SOS week
Here are those GUMC youth again! This summer was my third time to serve in Binghampton with Service over Self, and each experience has been better than the last. Okay, this is a slight detour into 2010, and I don't know why this memory has stuck with me, but I remember going to SOS fall weekend last year, and as we were settling into the SOS building I looked at Jason, the only other adult on the trip, and thought, "Holy crap. We're in charge. People trust me with their kids." Clearly I have ground-breaking revelations in that old-car-dealership-turned-holy-place. Back to 2011... I posted a bit about my time in Binghampton in this post from July. I was blessed to work all week with an amazing group of youth. We were all blessed to serve an incredible family in the Bing--we demolished their kitchen so a new one could be built in its place (I saw the almost-finished product a couple weeks later, and wow. Amazing what we followers of Christ can do!) And we were all blessed to work with Malerie, our energetic, always-positive, encouraging team leader and Ben, our quiet and sarcastic and incredibly patient construction guy. Ben oversaw projects at three houses, but he spent most of his week with us--cutting holes in the floor, replacing rotten wood, removing rats from under the kitchen, spraying for bugs, and teaching us how to install plumbing (then redoing it, so patiently, when we broke some pipes... God bless Ben!) We all got to know Corey, our homeowner Barbara's son, and Tommy, her nephew. We had rap battles and dance contests in the yard (Corey and Tommy showed us all up). We planted a flower bed, we made a giant slip-n-slide in the yard using a tarp (we also killed some grass... oops...) and we grew closer as a community of believers. God is truly at work in the Bing... and every experience I have there makes me love Binghampton even more.

Slip-n-slide fun!

4. Not getting what I wanted
I learned a tough lesson this year about praying consistently for something and not getting it. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I'm still struggling with it. I still have moments when I am angry and confused and disappointed. But the bigger picture is that I'm learning how to shift my focus from what I want and toward what God wants for me. Maybe not getting what I ask for is a blessing. There's no "maybe" about that--not getting what I want is definitely a blessing. If I had my way all the time, my life wouldn't be what it is today. And I am so, so blessed. I wouldn't want another life! If I got everything I wanted, I'm pretty sure I'd be married to Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid (my dream guy from childhood) and I'd be working at Colonial Williamsburg, which was my dream job when I was thirteen. So glad neither of those worked out!
I got off track. My point here is that not getting what I wanted is a blessing in disguise. It's part of a plan. It got me thinking, and praying, and I'm scared about where all this thinking and praying will lead me... but I have a feeling that change is coming in 2012. And as scared as I am, I'm also really really excited to see where God will lead me.


5. Cave tubing in Belize
In June my family went on a Caribbean cruise. It was my third Carnival cruise (our second as a family) so to shake things up I decided to try something new. Luckily my brother was game, so when we docked in Belize he and I set off on our own to go cave tubing! I'm pretty sure I was terrified. Cave tubing sounded muddy, and I hate mud. There was hiking involved, and I tend to avoid hiking because I'm allergic to nature. There was a two-hour bus ride in a foreign country, with no cell phones, and the thought of being completely off the map like that is a little disconcerting. But we did it! And it was amazing! We took a two-hour bus ride to the caves, followed by a 30-minute hike through the Belizean jungle. We saw leaf-cutter ants, pineapples in the ground, and what have to be the biggest palm fronds in the world. And inside the caves... incredible. Glistening limestone walls, stalactites and stalagmites, waterfalls, turtles, low overhangs giving way to gigantic caverns. We even saw some bats flying around! The pictures I took with my underwater camera aren't stellar... I found the image below via Google search, but it doesn't do the caves justice either. Those caves were among the most beautiful places I've ever been. It's in a place like that--a dark, damp, flooded cave--that the wonder of God's beautiful creation truly hits you. Look at how much care He put into even the darkest of places!

photo from www.belizecave.net

6. Trips to Chicago
Other than Memphis, my favorite city is Chicago. I have a theory that if Memphis dropped off the map, all Memphians would just pack up and move to Chicago. My brother moved to the Windy City for grad school this year, so I had the opportunity to head up there twice in 2011. The first time was this summer, when we took a weekend to frantically hunt for an apartment. We spent two days riding around with apartment brokers, touring everything from dingy, terrifying basement apartments to beautiful century-old homes in Wicker Park. We stressed and worried and lost sleep and panicked over this apartment hunt. And finally, on our last day in Chicago, we saw our last apartment--two bedrooms, hardwood floors, granite countertops, on the twelfth floor of a luxury condo building with a view of the lake and Millennium park (Matt will tell you that the elevator full of twenty-something girls was a selling point as well). Sold. Matt and his roommates signed the papers that night. It was a classic lesson in the pointlessness of worrying. God had it covered; we just needed to let him do his thing.
My second trip to Chicago in 2011 was a few weeks ago. Our family is starting a tradition of visiting Chicago around Christmastime. We stay in a hotel downtown, sleep late, pile on layers of clothing, and spend the days wandering the streets looking for things to do. (We do this in the summer too, but with fewer layers of clothing.) This year we rode the Megabus up to Chicago--that part of the experience definitely does NOT make the Top 11 list. But ask me sometime and I'll tell you some bus stories. The rest of the trip was perfect. We met up with friends who live in the suburbs; we browsed our favorite stores (like the American Girl Store!) and ate at some favorite restaurants (Lou Malnati's!) We saw a Second City mainstage show (Matt's in Second City now, by the way! But he's not a performer yet.) We went to the German street festival. The best part of the trip was a totally spontaneous moment. While walking along Michigan Avenue with our friends, we spotted the old Allerton Hotel. All six of us have been wanting for years, we discovered, to see the top floor of the Allerton--it used to be a club called the Tip Top Tap. So we marched inside like we knew what we were doing, squeezed into the antique elevator (antique = tiny), rode up to the 23rd floor... and found, instead of a bar or club, the most beautiful ballroom! So simple and random and fun!

The Allerton Hotel

Inside the Tip Top Tap

7. Mystery Nights
I love my friends that I work with. I am so blessed to have such amazing and fun and wonderful colleagues! This year we started a tradition of "mystery nights." One person plans a night and extends a cryptic invitation (usually including instructions on what to wear or bring). The rest of us just show up--and fun things happen! Our first mystery night was a potluck dinner, followed by laser tag, and then a dip in the pool. We even had a Mystery Machine to ride in! (It pays to have friends with minivans.) Our second mystery night, which I co-planned, was a trip to the haunted corn maze and El Porton. Hopefully this tradition will continue into 2012!


8. Camping at Chubb Hollow
I've mentioned this before, but my Girl Scout troop used to camp at Embassy Suites. No joke. Despite my reputation as an "indoor girl," when my friends suggested we go camping over spring break, I agreed to go. Technically, we weren't really camping, in the full sense of the word. We rented teeny-tiny rustic cabins in the Ozarks. Tiny. Rustic. I just wanted to emphasize that again. I shared a cabin with my friend Sarah and her little girl. We took turns sleeping on the futon beside the fireplace--it got so cold in there at night! Sarah perfected her fire-stoking skills while we were there. During the day, we spent lots of time sitting around the fire pit. Come to think of it, we did that at night too. But also during the day we went canoeing and fishing and hiking. We played kickball and discovered a playground and crawled around in some caves and rocky slopes around the beautiful natural springs. We even found a place where we could watch Tiger basketball (hey, we couldn't be rustic and nature-y all the time.) I wrote a little bit about our camping trip here--it's mostly about the afternoon that my friend Jessica and I veered away from the group and ended up on an epic, seemingly endless hike through some really steep Ozark hills. I love an unexpected adventure! I think it shows tremendous growth (just overall life growth) that my camping trip made it onto my Top 11 list!

This is my favorite photo from that trip. I don't know why.

9. Participating in a flash mob
Once again, my clever coworkers made the list! Every year at our school talent show, the faculty perform a song and dance. This year we spread the word that we were too busy to plan anything... and then we surprised everyone with some flash mob-style glow stick dancing! I tracked the video down on Facebook earlier... Not sure how cool the glow stick dancing actually looked, but it was SO much fun participating in it! Here's the video!

10. Rediscovering my sewing machine and glue gun
I have been focusing this year on awakening my crafty soul... I set a goal to make all of my Christmas gifts, and I accomplished that goal! I relearned all of the sewing skills that I haven't used since high school. I started by making purses out of TOMS flags, and I recently sewed a dress! I learned how to make yarn wreaths and paper roses. I learned how to etch glass and make a photo mat out of felt. I made jewelry for an auction at church and more jewelry for Christmas gifts. I refinished furniture for my classroom and "upcycled" some old sweaters into Christmas decorations. I painted artwork for my walls. I led a group of second graders in a paint party (never thought I'd be able to do that!) I rediscovered the pain that comes with accidentally sticking my finger in a blob of hot glue. And today I made my first melted crayon art! Most importantly, I relearned what joy comes from working with my hands and creating things that I love. Everything that I have painted and glued and sewed this year is a reflection of who I am and the things and people I love. I'm looking forward to learning new skills and working joyfully with my hands in 2012 as well!


11. Being a fifth-year Element volunteer
If the events in this list were in order of importance, this would be at the top. The absolute best, most influential, most spiritually fulfilling experiences I've had in 2011 have come as a result of volunteering with the youth group at GUMC. If any of you awesome youth are reading this, I hope you know just how much you influence our lives as adult volunteers. You encouraged me to attend Emmaus. You challenged and inspired me at Discovery Weekend, SOS, and Crave. I always look forward to learning and growing and worshiping with you all on Sunday nights. I love you all, and I pray for you constantly. In addition to these amazing young people who have become such an important part of my life, volunteering with the youth has resulted in some amazing friendships with the other adult volunteers and our youth ministry staff. Friends, you all are my story editors, my Dream Team. I love you all, and I am thankful for your presence and influence in my life every single day.

I am stopping at eleven events, mostly because the "Top 11 of '11" sounds cool, but also because I've been working on this list for quite a while and I'm exhausted. I want to add so many more things: the Arcade Fire concert I attended with my brother; the wonderful Christmas I just shared with my family; the random weekend trip to St. Louis that I chaperoned with Butler; meeting new people like my sweet friend Fiona. I wanted number 11 to be "watching Jason shave his beard," but that hasn't happened yet. I'm looking forward to putting that at the top of my "Top 12 of '12" list a year from now :)

Pretty much, it's been an awesome year. I am beyond blessed, and writing this list has helped me to realize that a little more. I have incredible friends and an amazing family. I am so thankful and so undeserving!
I am so looking forward to seeing what 2012 will bring. I feel a year of changes coming on! Maybe I'll actually learn how to play the guitar. Maybe I'll be brave and go to SIFAT this summer. Maybe I'll move out of Collierville. Maybe I'll face my fears and kill a spider! Nope, I went too far. That last one's not gonna happen. Whatever comes my way, I'm bidding adieu to 2011 and welcoming in 2012 with a spirit of excitement and hopefulness. Happy new year to you all! May 2012 be a year of blessings and peace for you :)

Crafty Christmas part 2: Glass Etching!

I finally broke down and joined Pinterest a couple weeks ago, and I have become obsessed with finding craft ideas on there. Pinterest is where I got the idea for my brother's present: glass etching! Sounds scary and impossible, but it's actually very easy. I decided to etch a casserole dish, and I wrapped it with a collection of favorite family casserole recipes... I figured that three busy guys living in freezing Chicago might like some comfort food for dinner on cold, snowy nights. Plus, they can make a casserole in advance and freeze portions for nights when they're too busy to cook. In retrospect, I'm not sure if my brother's French roommate eats casserole... his side of the fridge/freezer is full of filets and fois gras... but hey, it never hurts to try new things!
To practice etching before I made the casserole dish, I tried it on an olive oil bottle... so my photos below go back and forth from casserole to bottle. Sorry about that. I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted because I was afraid of getting etching acid on my new iPhone.
To do this project, here is what you need:

• Glass to etch (The instructions on the etching acid warn that it won't work on all Pyrex dishes; however, the casserole dish I used is Pyrex and it worked fine. Also, I had a few smaller items that I did test runs on before I started on the casserole dish, just so I could figure out how long the acid needed to sit on the glass.)
• Small paintbrush (you'll throw it away when you're finished, so make sure it's not a good one)
• Rubber gloves
• A bottle of Armor Etch (costs about $20 at Hobby Lobby... sounds expensive, but it's a big bottle and you can etch a lot with it!)
• Stencils and masking tape (They sell special letter stencils specifically for glass etching, but they are expensive, around $10 for a pack. They were also really small. I bought stick-on poster letters instead, and I used the extra paper around each letter to make my own stencils for about $3.)

First, place your design on the bottle and use masking tape around the edges to make sure it's stuck on there really well.

Using the small brush, paint a thick layer of Armor Etch inside each letter. Make sure you wear gloves while doing this! The bottle warns that Armor Etch can cause burns on your skin that aren't always immediately apparent. That doesn't sound pleasant.

The bottle says to let the Armour Etch sit for 60 seconds. I did that on a sample glass jar, and the etching is barely visible. For the olive oil jar, I let the acid sit for 5 minutes, and for the casserole dish I waited 10 minutes. I highly recommend waiting at least 5 minutes before rinsing.

Rinse the stencils and glass thoroughly under the faucet (still wearing gloves). Then peel the stencils off and admire your work!

Just so we're clear, this says "kickasserole." It's a little joke that my brother and I have...

It says "olio," which is oil in Italian

 These pictures don't really show how cool the glass etching looks, but I promise it's an extremely easy technique and it looks quite impressive.
I can't wait to make some monogrammed wine glasses--that would be a great gift!

Crafty Christmas: Yarn Wreaths!

This was a great Christmas! I can't put my finger on what exactly made this Christmas so wonderful... I think it was just the combination of family time, friend time, and not too much shopping... I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. I know that year-round, but what better time than Christmas to reflect on how much love I have for the people in my life...

So, as I mentioned before, my goal this year was to make all of my Christmas gifts. Mission accomplished! Well actually, that's not true. In addition to handmade gifts, I also gave donations to SOS in honor of my parents and brother. I'm not writing about this to brag--instead, hopefully I can inspire others to give similar gifts! Anyway, I tried my best to take pictures of the gift-making process so that I could document it all here on my blog. Today I am going to post pictures of all the wreaths I have made in the past couple weeks. I posted a picture last week of the Memphis Tigers wreath I made for a friend... Here is a picture of my original argyle wreath, a Detroit Tigers wreath that I gave my dad for Christmas:

Yarn wreaths are really easy to make, and incredibly inexpensive, but they are a little bit time-consuming. I start by wrapping a straw wreath (anywhere from 10 to 14 inches, all costing under $5) a couple times around with whatever yarn I have on hand. I have a ton of yarn left over from old knitting projects, so I've been using a lot of that. If I have to buy yarn, I usually buy the "I Love This Yarn!" brand at Hobby Lobby because it is cheap and it comes in lots of pretty colors.

Straw wreath wrapped in yarn. I made a little loop at the top for hanging.

For the argyle pattern, I measured the circumference of the wreath, did some quick math to figure out how many diamonds would fit around the wreath, and then made a diamond stencil out of a scrap of paper. I cut diamonds out of felt and hot-glued them around the wreath.

Lay the diamonds out before gluing them, just to make sure they fit. I keep ending up with one extra, but the rest fit perfectly... just a mystery, I guess.

 Choose a contrasting color of yarn for the argyle stripes. Glue the yarn to the back of the wreath...

...and wrap the yarn around the wreath in one direction, making sure the yarn passes through the center of each diamond. Glue the end of the yarn on the back of the wreath.

Then do the same thing again, but wrap the yarn in the other direction so that it makes an X on each diamond. I covered the ends of the gray yarn with a scrap piece of felt, just so it looks neat... not like it matters, since it's on the back of the wreath, but I'm an OCD crafter :)

Finished argyle!

 To make this a "manly" wreath for my dad, I sketched a stencil of the Detroit Tigers logo, traced it onto orange felt, and cut it out. I'm pretty sure that sketching a Tigers logo that actually looks like the Tigers logo is the highlight of my crafting career. I'm super proud.

 

Then I painted both sides of the felt with ModPodge to stiffen it, let it dry overnight, and hot glued it to the corner of the wreath.

 

Dad seemed pretty excited about his manly wreath! He has been bugging me for a while to make a wreath for his office, but I don't think he expected me to actually do it. When he found out I was making all of my gifts, I could tell it was driving him crazy trying to figure out what I was planning to make for him. Along with the wreath, I made him some coasters with Frank Lloyd Wright prints on them, but I'll post pictures of those later.

Here are a few more wreaths I made for Christmas:

I made this for fun one day, and it ended up in mom's kitchen. She got a bonus gift, I guess!

 

I made this one for my grandma, using scraps from old knitting projects.

This one might be my favorite. I made it for my friend Butler who loves black, pink, and tie-dye...

To make the little paper pinwheel things, I cut two strips of paper, folded them like an accordion, and glued the ends together...

 

Make sure the strips of paper are the same width. This one is about an inch.

 Then I pushed the edges little accordion circle together, hot glued the center, and held it in place until the glue dried.

 

I covered up the messy hot-glue centers with little paper circles.

This is how I wrapped the wreath--recycled an old grocery bag, and decorated it with leftover yarn and paper!

I hope you all had a truly marvelous Christmas! I can't wait to share more of the fun gifts I made. Check back for more pictures and instructions for making coasters, etching glass, and the personalized last-name framed art I created for my mom.

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store..."

I just realized that it's been almost a month since I wrote anything... December gets so busy! I've been on Christmas break for a week, and tonight is the first chance I've had to just sit on my couch and enjoy some peace and quiet (although I have some craft projects drying on the porch, so I can't get comfy here on the couch for too long).

This year at church, our awesome youth ministry staff has been encouraging the students to consider an alternative approach to Christmas. We talked one Sunday night about an organization called Advent Conspiracy, which encourages a simpler approach to Christmas. Presence, not presents. Give to those in need. Give handmade gifts. Don't be crazy holiday consumers. I love ALL of those ideas. So I decided to adopt some Advent Conspiracy ideas this year. Namely, I decided to make all of my Christmas presents. Yes, all of them. It's funny--when I mention this to people, I usually get a laugh and some cynical comment like, "it must be nice to have that much free time!" Well yes, I admit that as a teacher I have more time off around the holidays than many other people do. But look--it's after midnight and I'm still up, waiting for a coat of spray paint to dry! My response is usually something like, "all that time you spend shopping... that's the time I'm spending making things." It's true, but I still get a lot of weird, when-did-you-become-a-hippie looks.

I have finished almost all of my gifts. I've delivered a few of them already. And I have been documenting the whole process on my iPhone. Once all the gifts are given, I'll post plenty of pictures!

Some thoughts on my alternative Christmas:
-It is exhausting. And it takes a LOT of time. But the only holiday shopping I've done this year has been at Hobby Lobby and Target, buying supplies. I absolutely love not dealing with crazy Christmas shoppers.
-I'm saving money. I made three gifts for friends the other day, and all of them were free! I used supplies I already had around the house!
-I discovered Pinterest at a very opportune time. I already had some ideas of things I could make, but thanks to Pinterest I have learned so many new skills! And wow, there are so many ways to "upcycle" old t-shirts!
-I am giving fewer gifts this year. I hope everyone is okay with that. Well, actually, I don't care if everyone is okay. I have never been more excited to see my family members open their gifts. Each gift was carefully thought out, and I tried to create things that I knew they needed or would love... so much better than just buying sweaters for everyone!
-I also decided not to buy wrapping paper. It seems crazy and so wasteful to spend all that money on paper that will just end up in a bag on the curb by mid-morning on Sunday. So I'm using old grocery bags, brown packing paper, yarn, and permanent markers to wrap and decorate my gifts. Again, it's time consuming... luckily White Christmas is always on TV, so I have something to watch while I wrap.

I can't wait to post pictures of all the gifts I've made... but until they're all opened, I'll just have to wait! I did deliver a gift today--a Memphis Tigers wreath, for a Tiger-loving friend. I branched out of my usual paper-rose wreath design and tried to make something a little manlier than roses... tiger print argyle! He said he liked it... but he also said he wants to hang it where he can throw a basketball through it. Maybe I should have hot-glued a net on the bottom... Here's a photo:

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas weekend with your family and friends.

The prodigal blogger...

I have had an incredibly busy month! After four-ish weeks of retreats, conferences, road trips, housesitting, and crazy work events, I feel like my life is finally slowing down. (Just in time for the hectic holiday season, ha.) I am kind of kicking myself because three of those four weeks were spent at incredible spiritual retreats and a convention, and I should have been using my blog to document my experiences. Oh well... I'm back now, and hopefully I'll get back into the habit of updating my blog on a regular basis. (In my defense, I have started blogging about my classroom, and I also write a blog for my students to read and comment on... so I am still blogging. Just not here!)

So here is a quick rundown of what I've been up to...
The last weekend in October, my awesome friend Butler and I went on an Emmaus retreat together. I'm not really sure what to say about it other than that it was a great, relaxing weekend and that I absolutely cannot wait to start serving in the Emmaus and Chrysalis community!
The weekend after that, I went on a youth retreat to Victory Ranch. This trip was quite possibly the best youth trip I've ever been on. I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it: our church has the most awesome young people on the face of the planet. I am SO blessed that I have the opportunity to spend so much time with them. I always think it's funny when people say things to me like, "Oh, you're chaperoning a youth trip...  (usually here they roll their eyes) yeah, good luck with that..." They have no idea :)
The weekend after that, I housesat for my parents... uneventful...
Then last weekend, I went with Butler and my friend Jason to the National Youth Workers Convention in Atlanta. So fun! We met up with old friends, stopped at SIFAT to visit with people that Jason and Butler had met over the summer (SIFAT people are the best people, by the way. I love when you meet people for the first time and feel as if you've known them for years), and heard some amazing speakers (Tony Campolo!) We got lost three times on the way home... while using Google Maps... maybe I'm not the best navigator... but overall, it was a fantastic weekend!

Now I'm gearing up for some quality Thanksgiving-style family time tomorrow... and my first trip to Manna House! Which means I need to get some sleep... my alarm is going to go off very very early...

Dealing with critters

I was reading through some old blog posts just now as I took my new blog layout for a test-run, and I found one from a few months back where I mentioned that a spider had taken up residence in the corner of my den. I'm sure you've all been wondering how that story resolved itself, so here is the dramatic conclusion!

The spider stayed there. It never moved. Well that's not true; when I plugged my glue gun into the outlet by its web, it scurried further away from the plug. But that's it. I'm such a chicken when it comes to spiders. Finally about two weeks ago my mom stopped by, and she kindly removed the spider and every last bit of its giant web. My mom is my hero.

Now I'm dealing with another spider. This one spins a web in the corner of my front door every day. Every evening when I come home, I knock the web down. It just really irks me that this spider is using my beautiful yarn wreath to anchor part of its web. By the time I get home the next evening, the web is up again. You would think this spider would learn its lesson. Then again, it probably sits there all day thinking, "you'd think that girl would learn."

I kind of think God is trying to toughen me up by putting these creatures in my apartment. I mean, if I ever want to live anywhere other than my sterile second-floor palace, I'd better get used to sharing my space with a few members of the arachnid and insect families. At SOS this summer, my work group spent the week helping to renovate a roach-infested kitchen. There were cockroaches everywhere. Everywhere. As in, pouring out of the walls, immune to bug spray that made us humans unable to breathe, crawling on our feet everywhere. It is truly a testament to the power of faith and prayer and doing all things through Christ that my group members and I were able to overcome our fear of bugs. My heart broke for our homeowner, who dealt with (and is still dealing with) these critters every day. By the middle of the week they hardly bothered me at all, and that is huge for me. I won't go into detail about how I overreacted when I realized my leg was dangerously close to some spider eggs... baby steps, right? But after that week I felt better about the fact that I would one day not live in my suburban bubble.

Fast-forward to tonight, when I discovered a huge roach in my bathroom and my heart nearly stopped. I'm proud to say that I didn't call anyone to come over and kill it (yes, that crossed my mind). I sprayed it to death with wasp spray (that's all I had, and I don't even care that it's not safe for indoor use). Then I wrapped it in a paper towel, double-bagged it, and said a prayer that it was really dead. But, no matter how I did it, the important thing here is that I took care of that nasty, crafty roach all by myself! Perhaps that was God's little reminder that he's still working on his plans for me.

I hope I never get tired of celebrating these little victories :)

Working joyfully with my hands

A few weeks ago, I made a resolution to give more handmade gifts, and I am proud to report that I have actually stuck to my resolution! Here are pictures of some of the fruits of my labor:

This is an Ole Miss colored yarn and paper wreath that I made for my friend Natalie's birthday.

 

My first attempt at a diaper cake, which I made for a shower at work.

Green fuzzy yarn and paper wreath... I just made this for fun, but it ended up hanging in my mom's kitchen!

This is a wreath I made for my friend Amanda using a paper plate and some scraps of brown bulletin board paper... I made this in about fifteen minutes during my planning time at work! So easy!

I have other gifts in the works, but I can't post photos of them yet because their recipients don't know about them!

Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed

A couple months ago I wrote a post about my efforts to stay off Facebook six days a week, and I realized that I never followed up on that. I was able to successfully limit my Facebook usage to Fridays for quite a few weeks; however, I found that I really wasn't getting anything out of it. I wasn't using my time in more useful ways, which was what I was originally hoping to accomplish. Now that I'm back to my regular Facebooking schedule, though, I do think that I spend less time on the site. I keep hearing people complain about the changes on Facebook, but honestly I have no idea what they're talking about. I pretty much just log on to check in with friends and respond to conversations. So maybe I did get something out of it--no more brainless scanning of my News Feed.

One good thing that came out of Facebook Fridays was that it challenged me to find an area in my life where I really did need to make a change. I have bigger things to deal with than a slight addiction to commenting on status updates. Around the time that Facebook Fridays started, a friend (the same friend who challenged me to lay off Facebook, actually) admitted to me that his bad habit is texting while driving. I confessed that my bad habit is shopping, and we made an agreement to hold each other accountable while trying to break these bad habits. Every time he texts while driving, he owes a dollar. At the end of the month, the money is donated to an organization that we agreed on. Every time I buy a piece of clothing, I will donate 25 percent of the cost of the item to Dress for Success. I am also going to spend fall break cleaning out my closet and donating items I don't wear to Goodwill. I'm really looking forward to this challenge; as I mentioned in my last post, I want to be less of a consumer. I want to own less, to live more simply, to stop feeling like I'll be happier if I just have a little bit more. I know I'm not the only person who feels this way, so maybe by documenting my efforts here, I can inspire someone else!

I was listening to the Avett Brothers in my car yesterday, and I was struck by the lyrics to their song "Ill with Want." It's funny--I've heard the song dozens of times, but I guess I never paid attention to the words. Here are a couple of the verses:

"I am sick with wanting, and it's evil and it's daunting
How I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am lost in greed, this time it's definitely me
I point fingers but there's no one there to blame."

"I am sick of wanting and it's evil how it's got me
And every day is worse than the one before
The more I have the more I think I'm almost where I need to be
If only I could get a little more."

Wow. The rest of the song is just as good; look up the words if you want. Or just listen to it because they're awesome.
And a quick update on my shopping efforts: I've actually been pretty good this month. I gave two handmade gifts (photos coming soon), and the only clothing item I purchased was a new shirt with my school logo to wear on an upcoming field trip. It cost about $34 (private school attire doesn't come cheap), so I owe $8.50 this month. I also have a shopping bag full of clothes that I cleaned out of my dresser drawers. I'm off to a good start, and I hope I can keep it up!

Everything's coming up paper roses

Last weekend was my favorite weekend of the year: Germantown Festival! My mom and I have a tradition of spending the whole weekend browsing the booths and eating fried pickles, and this year didn't disappoint. I love seeing what people are capable of making, and I love supporting local artists by purchasing unique wares that I know I would never be able to create.

Tonight, some friends and I were recapping what we bought at the festival, and my friend W. brought up an interesting observation. "The difference between our generation and our moms' generation," she said, "is that when they see something they like, they say, 'I love that! I want to buy it!' and when we find something we like, we say, 'I love that! I want to make my own!'" She is so right--I have found that I only buy things I know I can't make, and I always come home from the festival full of ideas for projects. Which is why my kitchen table is currently covered in scrapbook paper, yarn, and hot glue sticks. I'm feeling inspired!

Check out the awesome paper roses I taught myself to make. I'm planning a cool Halloween door decoration.

So this burst of crafty inspiration has sparked another challenge: for the rest of the year, I am going to try to give as many handmade gifts as possible. I'm starting to take inventory of all of my crafty skills... I can sew, hot glue, roll paper into flower shapes (see above), paint pottery and canvases when closely supervised... I have a feeling that many of my loved ones will be getting hand-painted mugs for Christmas. Or paper flowers. But I think that giving handmade gifts is more meaningful. In my desire to get away from buying, buying, buying, I think it will be quite a challenge and a learning experience to see what I can produce with my own hands!


Proverbs 31:13 "...she works joyfully with her hands."

Peace, love, and hoarding.

I was really encouraged yesterday when I heard this story on the news: http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/08/30/fresno-school-superintendent-takes-800000-salary-cut/

Basically, a superintendent in California retired for a day so he could take a pay cut, a move that will save his school district about $800,000 over the next few years. He plans to use that money to help stop midyear budget cuts. The article said he didn't do this as a way to receive public accolades, but it also said this is a way to "ensure his legacy past retirement." Slightly contradictory, but since the man is an ordained minister I'm choosing to believe he is making a sacrifice for the glory of God and the betterment of his community. He was quoted as saying, "when you make good choices, good things happen to you," but I am also choosing to believe that what he meant to say was, "when you make good choices, you are one step closer to creating heaven on earth."

I looked up this article so I could share it here, and I had to laugh to myself when I saw this quote: "How much do we need to keep accumulating? There's no reason for me to keep stockpiling money." I said pretty much the same thing when I was discussing this story earlier today. I specifically remember using the word "stockpiling," because the person to whom I was speaking replied, "there's nothing wrong with stockpiling." Yes, there is. And if you don't believe me, just watch Hoarding: Buried Alive, or Hoarders, or Animal Hoarders, or that show about people who dumpster-dive for coupons.

I am totally writing this from Hypocrite Corner, by the way. I know that I have way too much stuff. I have run out of room in my closet for shoes, for example, which I discovered tonight. I have boxes of clothes under my bed because they won't fit anywhere else. At least I can say that I'm not plagued with the problem of having too much money! I've heard that the more money a person has, the less likely he is to give his money away to those who need it. I've heard that there are enough resources in the world that no one has to go hungry, but we just can't seem to figure out a way to spread the wealth. In an effort to help create heaven here on earth (and just in case I end up living somewhere with smaller closets), I want to learn how to live with less.

As I was on my "spread the wealth" soap box this afternoon, praising Larry Powell for his willingness to live with less in order to serve his school system, and just generally lamenting the fact that we all have too much and we aren't willing to share it, my colleague looked at me and said flatly, "I thought you were a Republican." That kind of made me laugh. I don't ever discuss politics--mainly because I never know what to discuss--and in my mind this isn't an issue of Republican versus Democrat (or whatever she thinks I am!) It's an issue of serving God versus serving ourselves. I'm not sure what about me makes people think I'm a Republican, but I don't want to be identified by any political party. I'm just a child of God, trying to serve myself less and serve Him more, and that's really all that matters.

Facebook Fridays

I've been feeling disconnected lately. I think that's partially because it's summer; I don't work in the summer, so that makes for two long months that I don't get to be part of my wonderful work community. I feel guilty saying this, but there are many days during summer vacation when I literally have nothing I need to do. I could spend an entire week inside my apartment trying to work my way through my stack of books or the list of recorded shows on my DVR. Some days--okay, many days--my only communication with friends is through texting and social media. As much as I hate to see the summer end, part of me is dying to get back to my regular routine, where I actually have contact with other humans. I am craving community.

While at SOS, I accepted a challenge to fast from Facebook six days a week. I'm calling it "Facebook Fridays." I guess it seems a little backward to remove myself from social media when I am craving community, but maybe that's a testament to the kind of empty, non-fulfilling community that social media provides. I could spend hours reading status updates and watching videos (and in the summer, I have the time to do that), but does the posting and reading of status updates really help us feel connected to one another? Maybe it's time to embrace some good, old-fashioned forms of communication, like phone calls and letter writing and pot-luck dinners. That's the kind of connection that I've been wanting. Conversations that won't fit into 140 characters, ha!

It hasn't been hard to abstain from Facebooking. And I don't spend hours and hours on Friday trying to get caught up with what I missed over the past week (I mean really, have I missed that much?) The next step is to figure out the most productive way to spend all the time I'm saving Saturday through Thursday. Well, actually, I've already figured out what I want to do. I want to get back in the habit of daily Bible study and journaling. I started journaling and reading daily devotionals during Lent, but I am ashamed to admit that I didn't continue with that discipline after Easter. I'm hoping that by blogging about my intentions, I'll actually be held accountable to following through with them.

And of course, I would love for you to join me in fasting from Facebook!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

I'm trying to be really brave and sit out on my patio tonight, but the combination of beetles buzzing around me (never knew beetles could buzz) and ducks glaring up at me from their resting spots in the grass by the lake is really starting to freak me out. But on a positive note, I just noticed three ceiling hooks on my patio that I never knew were there. Maybe I'll go get some hanging plants tomorrow.

So we're back from our week-long trip to SOS, and I know I should have a really churchy, still-on-a-mission-trip-high, super-inspirational post, but I don't. We've been back for almost a week and I still don't know what to say. Don't get me wrong--it was an incredible week. As far as mission trip experiences go, this one was as close to perfect as I've ever come. I had a phenomenal group of young people to work with all week; my SOS team leader was awesome; our homeowner and her son were lovely and I can't wait to go back and visit them next week. Just truly, truly a great week. Ask me about it sometime. Better yet, I'll blog about it sometime... but that's not what's on my mind tonight.

When I left for this trip, I was feeling a little discouraged about the fact that I basically got a big, fat "NO" from God about something that I wanted. It's stressful to think that you're doing what God wants you to do, only to hit a dead end and find that you have no idea what you're doing after all. I was angry that God didn't seem to be listening to me. What happened to "ask and you shall receive"? I was looking forward to spending a week away from my petty problems... and what do you know, I think it actually worked. Somewhere during the week, it occurred to me that maybe the problem wasn't that God isn't listening to me--I'm the one who's not listening to Him. Yes, that probably seems like a no-brainer to those with stronger faith than I, but hey, I never claimed to be a theologian or anything.

Side note: A few summers ago, I went to a Student Life conference in Branson, Missouri, and heard Francis Chan speak. The theme of the conference was "Flip," and Chan talked about how living for God will totally flip your life upside down. (A lot of what he talked about is in his book Crazy Love, which I recommend reading.) A friend who was on the trip with me was so inspired by Chan's message that he immediately began to flip his life. The change in him has been remarkable, and he is such an inspiration. I didn't feel the same desire to flip my life at the time. I felt like I was where I needed to be, where God had put me, and I was pretty satisfied. And I guess I was a little scared, too. Flipping my life around would be a huge inconvenience. Last fall, around the time I started this blog, I joked with my friend that I was a couple years late, but I was just starting to feel the call to flip things around.

And that's relevant because... I'm starting to see now that listening to God is going to flip my life around. (Duh, I know.) I've been avoiding it because I didn't want things to change, but I'm becoming more okay with the fact that His plans for me are going to require some "stepping out of the box." And more importantly, I'm getting excited about it!

Someone asked me last week what my gifts are, and in answering I realized that I don't know if I'm using all of my gifts to glorify God. Can I look at my life and say that everything I do brings glory to God? Does living my safe, comfortable life--the one where I'm afraid to make changes--bring glory to God? Or is there something else he's calling me to do with these gifts he's given me?

Missions and confessions.

I just wanted to write a quick update about what's going on with me right now, but in order to do that, I have to make a confession.

I am afraid of spiders. Correction: I have a crippling, irrational fear of spiders. I can't look at them, alive or dead. I can't kill them (what if they don't die, and then they crawl across my hand, and then I'll have to cut my hand off in order to get that icky eight-legs-just-touched-me feeling off of my skin. Yeah, that's my train of thought.) I can't pick up dead spiders to throw them away. I can't even look at or touch pictures of them. I have a favorite author who keeps putting spiders on the covers of his books... I will never be able to read any more of his work. Last Halloween I got a cupcake at Muddy's that had a plastic spider ring on the top, even though I specifically requested one without an arachnid decoration. The guy behind the counter thought he was being so funny. I couldn't eat it until my friend removed the offensive garnish, and even then it was a challenge. Yes, I know this is not normal.

So back to my update. I came home from a lovely week-long Caribbean cruise last weekend to find that a big, yucky spider had taken up residence in my den. It spun a web between an end table and a chair, and for a week it has been suspended there between the two pieces of furniture. I don't know what to do. Yes, I have left it there for a week. I figure that if the spider is in sight, I know that it's not crawling up my back or anything. (Just typing that made me shudder.) Earlier when I was vacuuming, I managed to knock the web down with a vacuum attachment, but the spider disappeared under a chair before I could vacuum it up. When I came home about an hour ago, I discovered that the spider has already spun a new web in the same space and is hanging there probably smirking at me with his stupid little spider mouth. Again, I don't know what to do. Please, someone, come over and get rid of this spider for me.

On another note, I am leaving tomorrow to spend the week at SOS, and I could not be more excited! I packed in record time (I mean, look! I had time to blog!) and I am so ready to spend the week with an awesome group of young people. This week is coming at a good time for me, because I need to just step away from my life for a little while. It will be good for me to think about something other than my little problems. And given my recent frustrations concerning my relationship with my Heavenly Father, I think some time spent in prayer and reflection and service to the Lord is in order. So if you're reading this, please pray for our week at SOS. Pray for our safety as we work in the heat this week; pray that we experience spiritual renewal as we worship and serve together. Pray for the homeowners and SOS staff, and pray that we will truly be the hands and feet of God as we serve our fellow Memphians. I can't wait to see where this week will take me!

Are you there, God?

I don't plan to use this blog to air my dirty laundry, so let me just make a long, private story short by saying that I didn't get what I want. It's something I've wanted for years, something I've been praying about and preparing for, and not getting it has crushed me. I'm angry and hurt and confused. But over the past couple of days, I've come to think that maybe my anger is misdirected.

This thing I wanted was my plan for myself. I have struggled lately with finding a balance between praying for what I want and praying for God's plan to be fulfilled. Of course, I always want God's plans to be the same as mine... but in this case, they weren't the same. I really thought they were. And now I have to look at the bigger picture; God closed a door, but maybe it's because he's going to open another one somewhere else. Even so, I'm only human. I can't see what His plans are, I can't see him opening any doors or windows anywhere, and I'm just really mad that I didn't get what I want.

My way of dealing with my anger is to direct it at other people. To place blame and point fingers. But what if I am just mad at God? Is that allowed? I discussed this with a friend today, and we both agree that the thought of being unhappy with God makes people uncomfortable. We like for our relationship with God to be nice and happy and positive, all the time. Isn't that why we tend to pull away from Him when things get tough? We don't want to admit that maybe He is partially responsible for our dark places because we think that being mad at God is wrong.

But I'm going to go out on a limb here: I don't think it's wrong. I think any relationship can have its moments of anger and unpleasantness; why should my relationship with God be any different?

So, on the off chance that God reads my blog: I'm not very happy with you. You have some 'splaining to do.

Reunited (with my Mac) and it feels so good.

After two painful weeks of separation, my trusty MacBook and I are back together! I had to turn it in for a tune-up, and my awesome techy friends did a splendid job. Of course, every day that I have been without it, I have had lots of ideas for wonderful blog posts; now that I'm sitting here typing, I can't think of a single thing worth saying.

I'm sure inspiration will come soon. I've started reading Rob Bell's new book, Love Wins, and I know that when I get further into the book I will have a lot to say. I highly recommend reading it. I heard there was a lot of controversy surrounding the book--Rob pretty much turns our typical views of heaven and hell upside down, and apparently that makes people pretty mad. But I think he makes some great points, and I'm only halfway through.

I especially like what Rob has to say about the concept of creating heaven here on earth. Rob points out that there is a heaven somewhere else, but there will also be a heaven here on earth sometime in the future. He talks about the different things we do that keep us from achieving heaven on earth, and he says it's those things--worry, greed, hate--that make us unworthy of being a part of what's to come. I'm paraphrasing (a lot) but that really hit home with me. What will it be like to exist in a world where there is no worry? What will it be like to rely fully on God, to trust him completely, without that little shadow of doubt that always seems to be present? The other day, a friend and I were discussing a situation in which I've been struggling to relinquish control. I pray constantly about it; I pray boldly for what I want, and I pray for God's will to be done, but after that I still worry about what will happen if things don't go the way I want them to. I made the comment that worry is what is currently keeping me from achieving my own personal heaven on earth. Why is it still so hard for me to trust God completely?

Grandpa Mel.

I'm praising God that the bad weather has moved out of Memphis for the time being, and I'm saying a prayer for those who are in its path. There is a lot of destruction in the south right now.

My overprotective mother, whom I love dearly, has finally deemed it safe for me to sleep in my second-floor apartment. I wonder if her tendency to, um, overreact when bad weather strikes has something to do with my general feeling of nervousness over the past couple of days. It's nice to be watching basketball instead of scary weather maps for a change. I felt like I was starting to develop a friendship with the local meteorologist. (Although watching the Grizzlies play is currently making me very nervous. I can't get a break.)

I don't have a good segue for this... I have never given much thought to the concept of angels. I know they appear in the Bible, and I know many people believe in guardian angels, but it's just not something I have studied much about. Nor do I place much stock in the idea that our ancestors watch over us or interact with what goes on here on earth. But I have had moments, and I know my mom has too, because we've talked about it, where I can feel the presence of my late grandpa. My mom's parents were always around when I was growing up. They lived around the corner, and we saw them pretty much every day. They both passed away when I was in college.

Grandpa was, simply put, a really cool guy. He used to have a British sports car, and he would let my brother and me ride in it every year in the town Christmas parade. We were lucky if the engine held out until the end of the parade route, but we loved it. Grandpa could make anything, I was convinced. He made all of my doll furniture, which I still have, and a little wooden pontoon boat that had my name carved on it (pretty sure I still have that too). He is responsible for my love of Tervis tumblers. And my love of gadgets. He used to "trick out" his car by velcro-ing things inside it, like a trash can in the back seat. He even had a piece of velcro on the dash board to hold his money clip. I joke that my inheritance from him was a box of velcro. Actually, I'm only half joking. I really do have his old velcro box! And I've used it many times!

My grandpa was not very tech savvy. For a man who loved gadgety things, he certainly could not handle high-tech gadgets. He carried an old Nokia cell phone, and he taped a list of frequently dialed numbers to the outside of it. No point explaining that he could actually save the numbers inside the phone! But I loved that about him. This long story does have a point, which is that one day, years ago, I found him painstakingly creating a map of Shelby County and the surrounding counties. I'm pretty sure I had to type the county names for him (he and the computer were never friends). Then he glued them all into place, made copies, and began distributing these Mid-South maps to everyone he knew. He said they were for weather warnings--so that when the meteorologist reported weather conditions in a nearby county, he could easily locate the area they were talking about. I laughed it off. What a silly idea! (Just google it, right?)

Yesterday evening, as my family and I were preparing for more bad weather, I walked into the kitchen and found my mom in there... She was listening to the weatherman (who was reporting storms in some unheard-of counties) and studying that county map, which has been taped to the inside of a cabinet door for years. I cracked up. Who knew that old, low-tech, cut-and-paste map would actually come in handy?! There was something really comforting about seeing and using that old map. It really was one of those moments where I felt like Grandpa was looking down on us, possibly saying "I told you so," and reassuring us that we would be safe. I can't explain it any more than that. Those moments occur at the strangest times. But the thought that he was there with us calmed my fears and made me a lot less nervous than I had been the night before. Maybe I should go make myself a copy of that map...

Storing up treasures in heaven... except for shoes. I love my shoes.

I was laughing earlier with a friend about how my last blog post probably didn't make any sense. (She inspired the title of this post--I told her I spent time saying goodbye to my apartment during a tornado warning yesterday, and that while I know I should store up treasures in heaven, I will really miss my shoes if they blow away in a storm!) I wrote the last post during a tornado warning, sitting in a pile of laundry at the bottom of my closet, listening to live feed of the local weatherman, and trying really hard to concentrate on God instead of on my mounting panic. I just went back and read it, and I was surprised to discover that I didn't sound nearly as scattered as I felt. I made it safely out of the storm and I still have all those same questions about discernment... and now there's yet another night of bad weather heading our way, so really this week has come full circle. I'm back where I started.

When did I become so afraid of storms? I used to love them. I loved listening to the rain and counting the seconds between the lightning and the claps of thunder. I loved a power outage, as long as it didn't last too long. Growing up in Tornado Alley, I have many fond memories of reading by flashlight as we hunkered down in the back stairway or the downstairs bathroom. Maybe it's because I live by myself... or because I live on the second floor... or because I can't tear myself away from the TV and those scary weather maps... whatever it is, I have become extremely nervous about bad weather.

I think we're suffering from bad weather information overload. A few weeks ago, we had a tornado warning during the school day, and we had to evacuate all the children into the halls. It looked downright terrifying outside--there had to be something out there. But I stayed calm. I encouraged kids who looked scared, I explained the difference between tornado watches and warnings to some inquisitive third grade girls, I chatted with coworkers. I'd like to think I did all of this because I understood the importance of remaining calm and looking unworried in front of the children, but I don't think that was it. I really think it was just because I had no idea what was going on outside. Did you know that meteorologists can track a storm's location to the exact street? That's crazy! I found my exact location on Google Maps yesterday, compared it with the weather map on TV, and decided I wasn't moving to my safe spot until my exact street was under attack. The weather people are making me neurotic. The tornado sirens went off yesterday not because a tornado had actually been spotted, but because the weather radar indicated that conditions may in the future produce something resembling a tornado. What...? Today, the national weather service has basically created a new color on the map to emphasize how much danger we are all in. In case you're wondering what's worse than red, it's white. What on earth is coming our way?! We have about four hours until this tornadopocalypse happens, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a nervous wreck. If only I didn't know what was coming!

And, funny, the one thing I never remember to do when I get in storm panic mode is take it to God. I get too worked up to ask Him to calm me down. It makes me think of that song-"No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to this Rock I'm clinging..." I'm praying today for safety for the Mid-South, and I'm praying that I will spend tonight remembering to cling to my Rock, instead of worrying about weather events that are entirely out of my control.

Confusion and discernment... but mostly just confusion.

I'm sitting in my closet right now, waiting out a tornado warning... what better time to type some thoughts about God than when I'm surrounded by his terrifying, awesome storm? And funny that as I sit here waiting, the subject of waiting, and of listening to God, has been heavy on my heart.

I think that even early on in my life, God was amused by my attempt to make my own plans. When I was in grade school and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answer was always, "Anything but a teacher!" He's really laughing it up now, I bet.

But what do you know... I'm in my fifth year of being an educator, and I can't imagine that God would have made me anything else. I fought him for a long time--all the way to grad school, in fact--but looking back, I sure am glad I finally put my own plans aside and listened to what He wanted.

One of the hardest things for me to do is to surrender my plans and rely fully on God. In every situation. I just have a hard time with the idea that I should pray boldly for what I want, yet still pray for His plans to be made known to me. How do those two things go together? I feel sometimes like I am in a period of waiting. I'm praying for things, waiting patiently for answers (well... as patiently as I can), and trying to be obedient while I discern his answers.

And discernment... that's a discipline--a gift, even--that I'm not sure I have. I'm so full of doubt and worry and second-guessing. How do I know if I'm hearing His answers? How do I know that I'm asking the right questions? And, oh my goodness, I'm so worried about what will happen if he tells me no!

I don't have any answers here (surprised?) I'm just sitting in a closet, worried about things that I need to surrender to God, and listening for His voice among the howling winds outside. Hopefully the wind will die down soon and I'll hear His voice in the silence...

The blessing and burden of prayer

I was fortunate last weekend to spend some quality time with a great group of teenage girls. Over dinner, they shared with me their belief that having Christian friends doesn't mean that their conversations and their times spent together always have to be focused on God. Perhaps this comment was made to justify the random ramblings they find themselves in during their small group Bible study. (On a side note, those rambling conversations are always the best, aren't they?) I think it is wonderful that these girls want to spend time together in and outside of church. I think it's great that they have a group of Christian friends with whom they prefer to spend their time. It seems awfully mature for teenagers to come to the realization that fellowship with other believers can be casual and fun.

In the past, I have been guilty of compartmentalizing my friends. In college, I had party friends, church friends, psychology major friends, music department friends, and dorm friends. Those groups didn't really overlap, except for those random times when someone from my abnormal psych class would show up at my friends' Halloween party. Even in high school I had separate church friends and school friends. As I've grown older and settled into my post-college life, I have come to know the joy of having meaningful, Christ-centered friendships. I have close friends at work with whom I can discuss matters of faith. I have close friends at church with whom I can have a good time. And I love when my worlds collide and new friendships are formed.

I agree with the girls I mentioned before--not all time spent with Christian friends has to be spent studying the Bible. But you miss out on some wonderful opportunities for growth if you don't open yourself up to some Christ-centered discussion and reflection. One of the greatest joys of Christian friendship is prayer, and this is not something I've always been comfortable with. As I hinted in the title of this post, I see prayer as a blessing but sometimes a burden as well. I have mentioned before that it has been difficult in the past for me to share my prayer requests with others. That's the "burden" part. I often feel like I am imposing, like I'm asking too much of my friends when I pile my personal prayer requests on top of them. Are my problems too insignificant to warrant asking for prayers? What if my friends are dealing with more serious issues than I am? I don't want to burden them with my problems.

On the other hand, being connected to others through shared prayer is such a blessing. I love praying intentionally, and I like having specific causes and people to lift up. I am so thankful for the opportunity to show my love for my friends by taking on their burdens, by praying for them and their struggles. The truly beautiful moments in Christian friendship occur when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in front of our friends. God gave us to each other to make the journey... well, I was going to say easier, but I don't think that's the right word. More interesting, maybe. More meaningful. Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." And in Ecclesiastes 4:12: "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." God clearly has plans in mind for us when he gives us to each other in friendship. I'm so thankful for the ways my friends have sharpened me and strengthened me. I'm thankful for the friends who allow me to be raw and broken and vulnerable, and who trust and love me enough to be vulnerable in front of me.

Winnie the Pooh always sums friendship up perfectly. Here are a few gems to wrap this up, because honestly, that bear always says exactly what I'm thinking.
"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."

And, of course, the best for last:
"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like 'What about lunch?'"

Sandpaper.

I shared this story with some youth on Sunday night, and I decided to share it here too, just so I can talk more about how God is amazing!
As I've mentioned a zillion times, this past year has been one of incredible growth for me. One pivotal moment during this time was the Sunday that our minister preached about Sandpaper People. I wish I had the transcript of this sermon to share, because he said it a lot better than I ever could. Basically, as followers of Christ, we are called to love, but there are inevitably some people who are just hard to love. For whatever reason, we all know people who are tiring, trying, who rub us the wrong way--they are our "sandpaper people." I know these people. They are my neighbors, my coworkers, sometimes even my friends. I'm impatient and I struggle with extending grace to those who frustrate me or who don't make my life easier; therefore, I have lots of sandpaper people. I'm not proud of that. My way of dealing with these people, should I get to the point where I want to do something about it, is to pray something like, "Dear God, please don't let so-and-so get on my nerves today." Surprisingly (ha), that doesn't work.
Our minister offered a solution in his sermon: we are called to pray for our sandpaper people. Not the selfish prayer I was offering up, but an honest, heartfelt prayer about each person. I was resistant to this at first. I didn't want to spend my time praying for people I don't like! But I got to a point where I really didn't have another choice. So I chose a couple of sandpaper people to start with, and every night before I went to bed, I would say a prayer for those people. Something along the lines of "Please work in so-and-so's life and help him/her live out your plan." It was a small gesture, but I did it every day. I wasn't sure what I expected to happen... and I shouldn't have been surprised when I started to notice a change. The people I was praying for weren't changing--not in ways I could detect, anyway. My heart was changing. I've always been a little skeptical of people who say things like, "God changed my heart!" I don't know why... probably because I'd never really noticed that happening. (Not that it wasn't happening; I just wasn't open and receptive to it.) I don't know if I can fully explain how this little experiment has changed me. I am more tolerant and more patient of these people who push my buttons... but more than that, I have found that it is possible, and not difficult, for me to love them. What a blessing!
I encourage you to try this. If there is someone in your life who tends to rub you the wrong way, pray for them. Truly pray for that person, an unselfish and honest prayer. Do this constantly. And I promise, your heart will be changed. If God can change my hard heart, I have no doubt that He can change yours too.

Darkness and the Mid-Lent Slump.

I had an hour to spare today, and I decided to spend it wandering around the bookstore. I tend to gravitate toward the display tables because they contain either sale books or the "best of the best" books--new paperbacks, staff picks, etc. In the process of picking up books and reading the first few pages of each, I stumbled upon a book that caught my attention for a whole chapter (I'm a picky book-browser). I can't remember the name of the book... something about being angry with God. It caught my eye because the author billed herself as snarky, which is among my favorite words. The premise of the book turned out to be a little hokey, in my opinion. The author went through a rough patch, got angry with God, and decided that she and God needed to go to couple's counseling. She actually found a therapist who was willing to conduct these, um, counseling sessions. That's where I stopped reading. But she touched on something that was very familiar to me, and I'm sure to many Christians--the rough patch.

This author referred to the rough patch as the Dark Hour of the Soul. I thought this was a perfect name for the low places Christians sometimes find themselves in. I've been there. (It was last year and it lasted for quite a long time.) The author's response to the Dark Hour was anger. She blamed God for her hard times (I don't know what she went through that was so hard; I didn't read that far), and she started imagining that he was the "bad guy," that he was angry with her as well. My reaction to my Dark Hour wasn't anger. I think I felt despair. I felt myself pulling away from God. I worried, I stressed, I doubted God. There was a lot of doubt. I didn't pray, at least, not sincerely, and I didn't turn to the Bible for answers. It's hard to think back to how I felt during that dark time because as I'm writing this I'm in a place of contentment. "It is well with my soul," as the hymn goes.

The Dark Hour of the Soul... it sounds like a Harry Potter book. My point in bringing this up, and I think the point that author was trying to make, is that sometimes it's the dark times in our life that bring us closer to God. I may have read something about this in The Irresistible Revolution last week; I feel like this topic has been on my mind for a while, and it's probably because I've read about it in a few places lately. I keep a sticky note on my computer that says the following verses:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

This passage spoke to me first of all because I need all the help I can get when it comes to producing patience. But it also serves as a reminder that the trials we are given are being overseen by God. Everything may not happen for a reason, but God has a hand in what is going on, and he will put our faith to the test if that's what it takes to wake us up.

I am thankful that I am out of my Dark Hour. And I can see how that time, those months of feeling worried and alone and so doubtful, has really made me appreciate being in the light. I feel now like I am in an hour of clarity (well... semi-clarity) and closeness with God. I can see Him working in my life; I can see Him in those around me, working in their lives. I can see how He gives us to each other, Christian friends to serve as our support and our family, to share in each others' joy and pain. I can tell within myself that He has strengthened my soul. What I struggle with is the fact that, when compared to the dark hours of other Christians, my dark hour wasn't all that dark. The author of that book kept saying that she was a middle-class white girl with middle-class white girl problems. In the grand scheme of things, her issues probably weren't earth-shattering. But they were her problems, she kept saying, so they meant something to her. I have friends, other middle-class white girl friends, who have had much darker hours than me. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and loss and loneliness and anger they have dealt with. And then there are countless others, people whose paths don't cross with mine, whose hours are still darker. How can these people rejoice? How can they be thankful for the pain they have experienced? I don't have an answer for this. I just know that my Dark Hour is over, and I can look back and see what I learned, and I am thankful for that time because it helped me grow. And I pray for strength and comfort for those who are in their Dark Hour now, and clarity for those who have yet to learn how their dark times are leading them to God.

On another note, I have been fixated lately on the idea of nourishing my soul. It first came up in a sermon last month, when our new minister emphasized the importance of setting aside time each day to nourish our souls. I am the product of a society where we nourish our bodies. I love to treat my muscles to Pilates every week. I nourish my feet with pedicures. I nourish my sweet tooth with mint chocolate chip ice cream... of course, that's only at the end of a long day filled with healthy, nourishing foods. I nourish my brain with books, crossword puzzles, conversations, professional development. I spend the majority of my time strengthening the part of me that I can't take to heaven. And my poor soul is crying out for some TLC. My Lenten observation this year involves taking time every day to be with God. It sounded easy when I committed to it--easier than, say, giving up chocolate-- but it's a few weeks into Lent now, and feeding my soul is harder than I thought it would be! My devotional time often gets pushed to the end of the day. I constantly find that I can't slow my mind down enough to focus on my prayers. I desire to be in the presence of God, yet I'm not allowing myself to be still and acknowledge His presence. I rejoice that my Dark Hour of the Soul is in the past. But I am learning that even the joyful, contented times have their own struggles. This week I am re-committing to Lent. I am going to try harder than ever to be intentional about how I spend my time. In the spirit of rejoicing during times of trial, I am sure that these bumps in the road are a blessing. Perhaps my struggles are keeping me on my toes, keeping me actively involved in seeking God and seeking his help as I nourish my soul. My prayer this week is that God will breathe new life into my commitment to spend time in His presence, and that he will do the same for my friends who are experiencing a mid-Lent slump like I am.