I'm sitting in my closet right now, waiting out a tornado warning... what better time to type some thoughts about God than when I'm surrounded by his terrifying, awesome storm? And funny that as I sit here waiting, the subject of waiting, and of listening to God, has been heavy on my heart.
I think that even early on in my life, God was amused by my attempt to make my own plans. When I was in grade school and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answer was always, "Anything but a teacher!" He's really laughing it up now, I bet.
But what do you know... I'm in my fifth year of being an educator, and I can't imagine that God would have made me anything else. I fought him for a long time--all the way to grad school, in fact--but looking back, I sure am glad I finally put my own plans aside and listened to what He wanted.
One of the hardest things for me to do is to surrender my plans and rely fully on God. In every situation. I just have a hard time with the idea that I should pray boldly for what I want, yet still pray for His plans to be made known to me. How do those two things go together? I feel sometimes like I am in a period of waiting. I'm praying for things, waiting patiently for answers (well... as patiently as I can), and trying to be obedient while I discern his answers.
And discernment... that's a discipline--a gift, even--that I'm not sure I have. I'm so full of doubt and worry and second-guessing. How do I know if I'm hearing His answers? How do I know that I'm asking the right questions? And, oh my goodness, I'm so worried about what will happen if he tells me no!
I don't have any answers here (surprised?) I'm just sitting in a closet, worried about things that I need to surrender to God, and listening for His voice among the howling winds outside. Hopefully the wind will die down soon and I'll hear His voice in the silence...
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