Are you there, God?

I don't plan to use this blog to air my dirty laundry, so let me just make a long, private story short by saying that I didn't get what I want. It's something I've wanted for years, something I've been praying about and preparing for, and not getting it has crushed me. I'm angry and hurt and confused. But over the past couple of days, I've come to think that maybe my anger is misdirected.

This thing I wanted was my plan for myself. I have struggled lately with finding a balance between praying for what I want and praying for God's plan to be fulfilled. Of course, I always want God's plans to be the same as mine... but in this case, they weren't the same. I really thought they were. And now I have to look at the bigger picture; God closed a door, but maybe it's because he's going to open another one somewhere else. Even so, I'm only human. I can't see what His plans are, I can't see him opening any doors or windows anywhere, and I'm just really mad that I didn't get what I want.

My way of dealing with my anger is to direct it at other people. To place blame and point fingers. But what if I am just mad at God? Is that allowed? I discussed this with a friend today, and we both agree that the thought of being unhappy with God makes people uncomfortable. We like for our relationship with God to be nice and happy and positive, all the time. Isn't that why we tend to pull away from Him when things get tough? We don't want to admit that maybe He is partially responsible for our dark places because we think that being mad at God is wrong.

But I'm going to go out on a limb here: I don't think it's wrong. I think any relationship can have its moments of anger and unpleasantness; why should my relationship with God be any different?

So, on the off chance that God reads my blog: I'm not very happy with you. You have some 'splaining to do.