Are you there, God?

I don't plan to use this blog to air my dirty laundry, so let me just make a long, private story short by saying that I didn't get what I want. It's something I've wanted for years, something I've been praying about and preparing for, and not getting it has crushed me. I'm angry and hurt and confused. But over the past couple of days, I've come to think that maybe my anger is misdirected.

This thing I wanted was my plan for myself. I have struggled lately with finding a balance between praying for what I want and praying for God's plan to be fulfilled. Of course, I always want God's plans to be the same as mine... but in this case, they weren't the same. I really thought they were. And now I have to look at the bigger picture; God closed a door, but maybe it's because he's going to open another one somewhere else. Even so, I'm only human. I can't see what His plans are, I can't see him opening any doors or windows anywhere, and I'm just really mad that I didn't get what I want.

My way of dealing with my anger is to direct it at other people. To place blame and point fingers. But what if I am just mad at God? Is that allowed? I discussed this with a friend today, and we both agree that the thought of being unhappy with God makes people uncomfortable. We like for our relationship with God to be nice and happy and positive, all the time. Isn't that why we tend to pull away from Him when things get tough? We don't want to admit that maybe He is partially responsible for our dark places because we think that being mad at God is wrong.

But I'm going to go out on a limb here: I don't think it's wrong. I think any relationship can have its moments of anger and unpleasantness; why should my relationship with God be any different?

So, on the off chance that God reads my blog: I'm not very happy with you. You have some 'splaining to do.

Reunited (with my Mac) and it feels so good.

After two painful weeks of separation, my trusty MacBook and I are back together! I had to turn it in for a tune-up, and my awesome techy friends did a splendid job. Of course, every day that I have been without it, I have had lots of ideas for wonderful blog posts; now that I'm sitting here typing, I can't think of a single thing worth saying.

I'm sure inspiration will come soon. I've started reading Rob Bell's new book, Love Wins, and I know that when I get further into the book I will have a lot to say. I highly recommend reading it. I heard there was a lot of controversy surrounding the book--Rob pretty much turns our typical views of heaven and hell upside down, and apparently that makes people pretty mad. But I think he makes some great points, and I'm only halfway through.

I especially like what Rob has to say about the concept of creating heaven here on earth. Rob points out that there is a heaven somewhere else, but there will also be a heaven here on earth sometime in the future. He talks about the different things we do that keep us from achieving heaven on earth, and he says it's those things--worry, greed, hate--that make us unworthy of being a part of what's to come. I'm paraphrasing (a lot) but that really hit home with me. What will it be like to exist in a world where there is no worry? What will it be like to rely fully on God, to trust him completely, without that little shadow of doubt that always seems to be present? The other day, a friend and I were discussing a situation in which I've been struggling to relinquish control. I pray constantly about it; I pray boldly for what I want, and I pray for God's will to be done, but after that I still worry about what will happen if things don't go the way I want them to. I made the comment that worry is what is currently keeping me from achieving my own personal heaven on earth. Why is it still so hard for me to trust God completely?